The "Powder Room"

Gotta keep 'em separated!

Length of Shower: 12 min.--I am going to reveal just ONE of the few secrets I have discovered about women...secret one is that place they all go to "powder" their "noses."

I want you girls to know that I know about the bathroom!  That’s right, I know that you keep your secrets in there.  Why else would you have to go the bathroom in packs?  Ha, ha, you see; I know!  You bring at least one other girl with you so that someone can do their business while the other keeps watch over the secrets.  What secrets you ask?  Well for one, the antidote to baldness.  Why you don’t share that, I will never know except for this other secret you must be keeping in there: a secret aphrodisiac for baldness.  See, some of you woman are turned on by bald men, otherwise why would you not share the baldness antidote with us?  Ha!  See, I’m onto you women and your secrets. 

Now I will admit that women don’t always go to the bathroom in packs.  Sometimes you just can’t, like when you are on a date.  But even then there is a well thought out plan of defense against men entering this palace of fortitude.  See, I know that while I have never heard or known a woman to fart in public or even in the vicinity of other men, I DO know that you are human and therefore you must fart at some point.  I believe this place and time is ALWAYS in the women’s restroom so that it adds a defense against any man that may get drunk or lost and wander in there.  The combined smell of all those saved up farts released in one place is so overwhelming and defeating to the male species that any poor guy would simply faint before ever making it to the vault of secrets that is no doubt well hidden behind or within some toilet.

While the investigation is still on-going as to how we will break in and what other secrets may lie hidden in there (like the real location of Amelia Earhart), I promise that we men will eventually find our way in there.  I’m just giving you fair warning ladies.....Fair warning.  

I Dream Therefore...

Length of Shower: If I dream of showering does that cleanse my mind of dirty thoughts? --So I awoke today with another fantastical story of a dream.  This often happens and I never know if it is just another great story rolling around in my head or if it has meaning for my life. I don't remember the entire set up to the dream but the end is all I can recall.  It went like this.....

I was a knight in medieval times.  My father was as well and we were searching through some caves frantically trying to make our way to some heart.  We needed this special heart to save someone, I think it may have been to save either my mother or my grandfather I'm not sure which.  Every once in a while the world would shake like an earthquake.  As if finding this heart and saving whomever it was we were supposed to save would also stop the earthquakes and therefore somehow save a lot more people....dare I say a "kingdom" of people.  

As we were rushing our way through this massive maze of caves we would come across certain challenges that had riddles attached to them.  Solving the riddle would assist us in solving the physically challenging obstacles and thus help us get closer to the heart that no one else had ever made it to.  One of the riddles from my dream involved trying to find a way across a large body of water and the riddle was "I come around at least once a year, shine the sun on me and I'm gone forever, salt will make me disappear, but most folks like me without fear."  The answer is ICE.  So we somehow were able to make the water into ice and get across it.  Anyway, to make matters more frantic we had an old, evil wizard who was following us.  He knew the answers to all the riddles but couldn't make his way through the challenges himself or tell us the answers for some reason.  He was following us because he needed the magic heart also.  We knew that, but decided we would deal with him when we had to....we just had to get to the heart.  On the final challenge another quake hit and the cave began to collapse.  It separated my father from me but the evil wizard somehow got onto my side of the collapsed rock.  The obstacle was also destroyed and I was able to make my way up to an opening in the ceiling to the room where the heart was.  As I climbed quickly I came across a gold box with a lock.  I broke open the lock and inside I found a parchment of cloth with writing on it about the condition of certain hearts and what to do or eat to make those hearts better.  He begged me to read the last line of it to him, as if he knew that is what he needed for his own heart.  The last line read something like, "if the heart is the color of plum and deflated to the size of a raisin, then eating strawberries will cure it's ill."  The wizard yelled at me to read it out loud to him but I wouldn't...I couldn't.  I froze.  All I could get out was "strawberries."  He yelled and threatened to curse me but I knew somehow that a curse from him in these caves and in his weak condition wouldn't work.  So I gathered more strength inside myself and consciously left him with just that.  "Strawberries," I said again.  "Eat Strawberries."  The wizard looked shocked and searched my face to see if I was telling him the truth.  He was convinced and he just kind of fell backwards, limply disappointed by the news.  I tossed the box aside and folded up the parchment into my pocket and climbed onward.  

When I reached the gap in the ceiling I crawled through it and onto the floor of a large room.  I could see the heart we were after across this large cavernous room.  It was sitting on a pedistal about 75 yards away.  I could feel I was alone.  I just kept starring at the heart across the room which glowed red and provided the only light in the room.  When I finally took my eyes off the heart I could barley make out the ceiling above me that stood probably 80 or 90 feet up.  The little light from the heart was not enough to see the walls so they must have been well over 80 feet to each side of me.  I knew the room was huge mainly because I could feel how large it was.  The room was like a cathedral in size and it held a reverence about it that made me feel small.  As I slowly walked to the other side of the room each careful step echoed and reverberated off the walls for what seemed like 20 or 30 seconds per step.  While I had a quick thought of people or creatures watching me in the wings, I quelled that worry by just somehow knowing I was alone.  I finally reached the other end of the room and I took a moment to admire the heart before taking it from its resting place.  I reached out to gently take the heart that would save hundreds of people and more importantly a loved one of mine.  I was just about to take the heart into my hands when a loud noise shattered the reverence and I woke up.  

Don't dreams suck sometimes!  

Happy dreaming everyone!

Switching Sides

Length of Shower: 6 minutes on each side --So lately I have been thinking a lot about sides.  Sides of the bed, sides of the car, sides of an issue, sides of my face and mouth, and yes even both sides of that proverbial coin that everyone always talks about.  And these "sides" made me think.

For example, the sides of my mouth.  I realized a few days ago (and this is what started all my thinking) that I always tend to chew my food or "taste" my drinks on the right side of my mouth.  I don't mean the correct side, I mean the literal right-hand side of my mouth.  And so I began to chew my food on the other side (the left side) to see how it was different.  I didn't expect it to be that different to be honest....but it was!  When I chewed my food on the left side it just didn't taste as good.  Like it was blander or lacked flavor somehow.  I mean I could still "taste" it in the very basic and elementary meaning of the word, but the flavor was somehow faded.  When I moved that same morsel of food back to the right-hand side of my mouth the flavors started popping again.  It was amazing!  Like I was tasting it again for the first time.  But then, of course, I started to think maybe something was wrong with the left side of my mouth.  Like I had had some kind of small aural tongue stroke or something.  Why was food tasteless over there but on the other side, a mere few centimeters away, food had the fabulous taste I had always enjoyed?  I couldn't figure it out and the more I experimented with it, the more questions seemed to arise.  I thought maybe I just wasn't using that side of my mouth enough, so I began to chew more food on that side in an effort to "practice" tasting.  But that didn't help either.  So, I settled on the fact that that is just the way my mouth is and that is ok.  I mean, at least half my taste buds work....I guess.

But what about sides of other things?  Like my bed?  I'm single (for now) and I sleep in a queen sized bed. It's interesting to me which side I fall asleep on and which side I wake up on.  Now, what's really interesting is that I go through phases.  There are times where I prefer, and fall asleep easier, on the left side of the bed.  But then there are times when it's the right side.  Most often these phases last months at a time and I can never understand why?  Is my brain somehow keeping track and making sure that my mattress never gets lopsided?  Maybe, I don't know, but it's interesting to me.  And here's the real kicker...sometimes I fall asleep on one side of the bed and wake up on the other.  When and why did I move?  I don't know, but I wish I did.  And finally, what about those rare nights when I have to sleep diagonal!?  I don't know the answer to that either!  Is there something wrong with me?  I hope not.  I choose to think that I'm a high functioning sleeper and there is some kind of hidden genius in the phases and ways that I sleep.  Yeah, I'm just ahead of my time I guess.

Finally I'd like to discuss the expression, "there are two sides to every coin."  Of course there are two sides to every coin!  There are at least two sides to everything!  What genius came up with this phrase?  And why did he/she choose a coin?  Why not a hand or a piece of paper or even a rug!?  Don't we obsess enough about money in our society but now simple expressions have to bring money into them as well?  Ha, not this guy....not anymore.  I will re-invent the phrase and thus transform the world as we know it.  From now I when I use the expression it will be "Well you know...there are two sides to every door."  And people will love it and use it and you will all know that it started with me. Of course the OTHER side to this story is.....

Thanksgiving "Holiday"

Length of Shower: 14 min -- I think that Thanksgiving is the only truly American Holiday.  True we have the 4^th of July, but lots of countries celebrate their independence day.  Now, it’s true we have Memorial Day and Labor Day and Presidents Day, but those aren’t really big enough to constitute talking about.  Most of us don’t even get a day off on those anymore.  But Thanksgiving!  Not only do we get a day off, we get TWO days off followed immediately by the weekend, so really it feels like 4 days off to almost everyone!  Whoever thought to put this holiday always on a Thursday was brilliant!  No other major holiday (sorry again to Memorial and Labor days for not being major enough for my argument) falls on a specific day of the week.  There is definitely no other holiday that always falls on a Thursday!  Yup, Thanksgiving is just so unique in so many ways, it is probably my favorite holiday. 

Now speaking of holidays and when they are, I’ve always wondered just how they got so evenly spread out throughout the year.  Like Labor Day.  Did they decide to put it in early September because someone thought, “Hey, there is a HUGE gap of time from the 4^th of July to Halloween, let’s put a holiday right inbetween.”  And then of course someone said, “You’re right, that is a huge gap.  Maybe we should put two small holiday’s in there.”  So, they created Labor day and Columbus Day to go evenly spaced between them.  Until someone said, “Well what about the gap from Easter to July 4^th?”  So then they created Memorial Day to evenly split that gap.  THEN, someone said, “I would really like a day off between New Year’s and Easter.”  So they, whoever “they” are, stole a holiday called Valentine’s Day.  And just to really please that person they added President’s Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day to keep everyone happy.  From there it got a little carried away when they added Groundhog Day on February 2^nd and then Earth Day in April and let’s face it Flag Day was added because someone must have argued that the month of June felt left out.  Either that or they argued we needed more holiday’s in the summer, which I agree with.  But just now I looked up holiday’s on the internet (after I got out of the shower….because I know you were wondering.) and did you know that Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day is an official holiday in the U.S.?  I didn’t either, and while I think it is an important day it does seem like we are stretching it a bit.  Next we’ll find they have a holiday just for anyone who has been in the Military…..oh they do?  Right, that’s called Veteran’s day.  Man, what about a holiday just for being, oh I don’t’ know, a Mom.  Oh we do?  Right, Mother’s day…..that reminds me my mother’s birthday is coming up.  I gotta go get her a card.  

Happy Holiday’s ya’all!

The Black Bra

Length of Shower: It was short because I just kept laughing about this story -  


The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.  We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes...Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the Black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

 (You'll love this)


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Birthday Wisdom

Length of Shower: Do I have to shower today, or will people just tell me I smell good without it? --Today is my birthday.  35 years old today.  That's "old" to some people, "middle aged" to some, and "still young" to others.  But to me, it's just where I am.  It's just a number and doesn't mean much.  I mean I don't feel 35.  Of course I don't feel much over 28, but whatever.

So, for this special blog I thought I would just kinda throw down 35 points of wisdom that 35 years of life has taught me.  (Let's hope I can come up with 35).

1. Eating and sleeping are important to everyday function.
2. So is cleanliness,
3. And fiber.
4. Spending time with children can be theraputic...but also traumatic.
5. Success is doing what you love.
6. Time is the eternal healer of all things.
7. Love really is more important than money.
8. God exists.
9. God is infinitely more complex than any human...but also more generous, loving and understanding.
10. Whether it's sunrise or sunset matters not, what matters is seeing them often and enjoying their beauty.
11. Eleven is my favorite number.
12. Twelve was Jeremy Langer's Jersey number in high school.  I don't know why I remember that or why it is relevant to this blog...but maybe there's something there.
13. A Woman (or man) is not the answer.  And many of them are definitely not the answer.
14. There is nothing like a good story, told well, and at the right time.
15. My parents are two of the most valuable people in my life....I'm lucky to have them both.
16. Marriage (even though I've never been married) is a tough thing that must be worked at very hard...but the rewards for that work and patience can be infinite and beyond your imagination.
17. I believe there are still places on this earth that man has never seen or laid their hands on.
18. I like sex.  And that does not make me perverted or gross or "bad."  It makes me human.
19. Astrological signs can be accurate, but they can never tell you everything or decide your fate.
20. I'm still not sure I believe the sentiment that states: "To have loved and lost is better than never to have loved at all." It sounds true, but my "jury" is still out on that.
21. Shakespeare will always be one of the greatest writers of all time...and it doesn't matter to me if he was one single man or not.  The collection is priceless.
22. Sports are as important to our culture as art, music, science, and religion.
23. People are mostly the same and are all inately good at their core....no matter the color of their skin or language they speak or background they have.
24. No matter how far technology develops....nothing will replace the power of human touch.
25. "Everything in moderation" really works!
26. Physical activity is as important to your inner self as it is to your outer self.
27. Money isn't everything....but it sure makes everything a lot easier.
28. The journey of self discovery is very important, but rarely taken.
29. As an artist I feel it's my job to share each and as many aspects of the human condition with other humans as possible, and to do it without judgement.
30.Never grocery shop when you are hungry.
31. Friends can be as close and important as family if you choose them wisely.
32. Living in the moment is so important to enjoying life to its fullest; but it's also one of the hardest things to do well.
33. Animals are the windows to Heaven and possibly the angels that look upon us here on earth
34. Trust....just do it.  Sure you may get burned every now and again, but it's better than not trusting anyone and living with fear and paranoia your whole life.
35. The car goes where your eyes go.  (Think about it...it's true on many levels)

That's it.  Hope some of these where helpful or insightful.  Happy Birthday to me :)

Eyebrows

Length of Shower: Not sure, but on the shorter side. --Eyebrows.  These are curious things.  Two large and rectangular bunches of hair smack in the middle of your face.  Ok, they aren't exactly in the middle of your face but they are close enough.  Like two bushes that frame the front door of the average house, eyebrows would look odd if they weren’t there, but all the same, why are they there?  No one really knows.  

Oh sure, eyebrows keep sweat on your forehead from dripping into your eyes, but otherwise why are they there?  Shade from the sun?  I don't think so.  They don’t really stick out far enough from your head for that.  What about providing warmth?  Well, they don’t really cover enough surface area for that.  So, I guess it’s just the sweat thing really.  Other than that they are kind of an annoyance.  

Take mine for example.  In the last couple years mine have seemed to grow uncontrollably!  They look fine when I examine my face before heading to bed but by the time I wake up it seems like two small bears have decided to take a nap on my face.  Two rather large ungroomed bears who's hair seems to grow at uneven rates and lengths.  I swear that over night they feel the need to grow to “old man” length and bushiness.  

Why do they do this?  I just don’t know.  It’s not that cold in my bedroom that they should feel the need to cover my face and keep it warm.  And while I’m not sure, I don’t think that I sweat that much during the night that they should feel the need to become bushier just to save my eyes from dripping sweat.  Not to mention I sleep lying down so sweat wouldn't drip into my eyes anyway.  I sometimes just want to avoid the nuisance of them all together and get them waxed off, but that would kind of kill my budding career as a "normal" looking person.  I mean if I shave them off, then I might as well get tattoos all over my body and as many piercings as possible and join a motorcycle gang just to justify (and provide free security for) my lack of eyebrows. 

On second thought, I think I'll just stick with trimming them every couple days and hope for the best.