Thanksgiving "Holiday"

Length of Shower: 14 min -- I think that Thanksgiving is the only truly American Holiday.  True we have the 4^th of July, but lots of countries celebrate their independence day.  Now, it’s true we have Memorial Day and Labor Day and Presidents Day, but those aren’t really big enough to constitute talking about.  Most of us don’t even get a day off on those anymore.  But Thanksgiving!  Not only do we get a day off, we get TWO days off followed immediately by the weekend, so really it feels like 4 days off to almost everyone!  Whoever thought to put this holiday always on a Thursday was brilliant!  No other major holiday (sorry again to Memorial and Labor days for not being major enough for my argument) falls on a specific day of the week.  There is definitely no other holiday that always falls on a Thursday!  Yup, Thanksgiving is just so unique in so many ways, it is probably my favorite holiday. 

Now speaking of holidays and when they are, I’ve always wondered just how they got so evenly spread out throughout the year.  Like Labor Day.  Did they decide to put it in early September because someone thought, “Hey, there is a HUGE gap of time from the 4^th of July to Halloween, let’s put a holiday right inbetween.”  And then of course someone said, “You’re right, that is a huge gap.  Maybe we should put two small holiday’s in there.”  So, they created Labor day and Columbus Day to go evenly spaced between them.  Until someone said, “Well what about the gap from Easter to July 4^th?”  So then they created Memorial Day to evenly split that gap.  THEN, someone said, “I would really like a day off between New Year’s and Easter.”  So they, whoever “they” are, stole a holiday called Valentine’s Day.  And just to really please that person they added President’s Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day to keep everyone happy.  From there it got a little carried away when they added Groundhog Day on February 2^nd and then Earth Day in April and let’s face it Flag Day was added because someone must have argued that the month of June felt left out.  Either that or they argued we needed more holiday’s in the summer, which I agree with.  But just now I looked up holiday’s on the internet (after I got out of the shower….because I know you were wondering.) and did you know that Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day is an official holiday in the U.S.?  I didn’t either, and while I think it is an important day it does seem like we are stretching it a bit.  Next we’ll find they have a holiday just for anyone who has been in the Military…..oh they do?  Right, that’s called Veteran’s day.  Man, what about a holiday just for being, oh I don’t’ know, a Mom.  Oh we do?  Right, Mother’s day…..that reminds me my mother’s birthday is coming up.  I gotta go get her a card.  

Happy Holiday’s ya’all!

The Black Bra

Length of Shower: It was short because I just kept laughing about this story -  


The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.  We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes...Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the Black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

 (You'll love this)


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Birthday Wisdom

Length of Shower: Do I have to shower today, or will people just tell me I smell good without it? --Today is my birthday.  35 years old today.  That's "old" to some people, "middle aged" to some, and "still young" to others.  But to me, it's just where I am.  It's just a number and doesn't mean much.  I mean I don't feel 35.  Of course I don't feel much over 28, but whatever.

So, for this special blog I thought I would just kinda throw down 35 points of wisdom that 35 years of life has taught me.  (Let's hope I can come up with 35).

1. Eating and sleeping are important to everyday function.
2. So is cleanliness,
3. And fiber.
4. Spending time with children can be theraputic...but also traumatic.
5. Success is doing what you love.
6. Time is the eternal healer of all things.
7. Love really is more important than money.
8. God exists.
9. God is infinitely more complex than any human...but also more generous, loving and understanding.
10. Whether it's sunrise or sunset matters not, what matters is seeing them often and enjoying their beauty.
11. Eleven is my favorite number.
12. Twelve was Jeremy Langer's Jersey number in high school.  I don't know why I remember that or why it is relevant to this blog...but maybe there's something there.
13. A Woman (or man) is not the answer.  And many of them are definitely not the answer.
14. There is nothing like a good story, told well, and at the right time.
15. My parents are two of the most valuable people in my life....I'm lucky to have them both.
16. Marriage (even though I've never been married) is a tough thing that must be worked at very hard...but the rewards for that work and patience can be infinite and beyond your imagination.
17. I believe there are still places on this earth that man has never seen or laid their hands on.
18. I like sex.  And that does not make me perverted or gross or "bad."  It makes me human.
19. Astrological signs can be accurate, but they can never tell you everything or decide your fate.
20. I'm still not sure I believe the sentiment that states: "To have loved and lost is better than never to have loved at all." It sounds true, but my "jury" is still out on that.
21. Shakespeare will always be one of the greatest writers of all time...and it doesn't matter to me if he was one single man or not.  The collection is priceless.
22. Sports are as important to our culture as art, music, science, and religion.
23. People are mostly the same and are all inately good at their core....no matter the color of their skin or language they speak or background they have.
24. No matter how far technology develops....nothing will replace the power of human touch.
25. "Everything in moderation" really works!
26. Physical activity is as important to your inner self as it is to your outer self.
27. Money isn't everything....but it sure makes everything a lot easier.
28. The journey of self discovery is very important, but rarely taken.
29. As an artist I feel it's my job to share each and as many aspects of the human condition with other humans as possible, and to do it without judgement.
30.Never grocery shop when you are hungry.
31. Friends can be as close and important as family if you choose them wisely.
32. Living in the moment is so important to enjoying life to its fullest; but it's also one of the hardest things to do well.
33. Animals are the windows to Heaven and possibly the angels that look upon us here on earth
34. Trust....just do it.  Sure you may get burned every now and again, but it's better than not trusting anyone and living with fear and paranoia your whole life.
35. The car goes where your eyes go.  (Think about it...it's true on many levels)

That's it.  Hope some of these where helpful or insightful.  Happy Birthday to me :)

Eyebrows

Length of Shower: Not sure, but on the shorter side. --Eyebrows.  These are curious things.  Two large and rectangular bunches of hair smack in the middle of your face.  Ok, they aren't exactly in the middle of your face but they are close enough.  Like two bushes that frame the front door of the average house, eyebrows would look odd if they weren’t there, but all the same, why are they there?  No one really knows.  

Oh sure, eyebrows keep sweat on your forehead from dripping into your eyes, but otherwise why are they there?  Shade from the sun?  I don't think so.  They don’t really stick out far enough from your head for that.  What about providing warmth?  Well, they don’t really cover enough surface area for that.  So, I guess it’s just the sweat thing really.  Other than that they are kind of an annoyance.  

Take mine for example.  In the last couple years mine have seemed to grow uncontrollably!  They look fine when I examine my face before heading to bed but by the time I wake up it seems like two small bears have decided to take a nap on my face.  Two rather large ungroomed bears who's hair seems to grow at uneven rates and lengths.  I swear that over night they feel the need to grow to “old man” length and bushiness.  

Why do they do this?  I just don’t know.  It’s not that cold in my bedroom that they should feel the need to cover my face and keep it warm.  And while I’m not sure, I don’t think that I sweat that much during the night that they should feel the need to become bushier just to save my eyes from dripping sweat.  Not to mention I sleep lying down so sweat wouldn't drip into my eyes anyway.  I sometimes just want to avoid the nuisance of them all together and get them waxed off, but that would kind of kill my budding career as a "normal" looking person.  I mean if I shave them off, then I might as well get tattoos all over my body and as many piercings as possible and join a motorcycle gang just to justify (and provide free security for) my lack of eyebrows. 

On second thought, I think I'll just stick with trimming them every couple days and hope for the best.

CSI has me Worried

Length of Shower: If I didn't shower today, what would people think? --So, I was up late the other night watching a marathon of police detective shows like CSI and Law & Order and Cold Case and The Closer.  It was kinda weird how time just flew by as I watched case after case get solved.  Cool and interesting, but weird how drawn in I was. In each of these shows it is always a murder and then the team of detectives pulls out clues from the victims body and possessions to figure out his/her life and then they make assumptions and deductions based on those clues. Once each of the shows got started I had to see it through to the end.  Anyway, this morning I woke up and got to thinking...what if I was a victim on one of those shows?

I started to analyze my own bedroom and apartment and things in my car.  What do all of those things say about me?  I wondered what would be made of the cigarettes in my car that I use to give patrons at my bar job.  Would they take those and assume I was a smoker and begin making judgements...they probably would.  What about the lack of pictures on the wall in my bedroom?  What would they make about that?  How about the fact that I have pictures of my friends and family, but only a few. Or that I have a few little "reminder" notes on my desk.  Would I leave the fan or A/C on when I die...what would they make of that?  And the left over pizza in the fridge?

As I take all this in, it doesn't make me look very interesting or nearly as cool as I think I am.  Wait!  Maybe I'm not as cool as I think I am.  OK, I can live with that.  But I know I'm more interesting and cleaner and more organized than the simple things in my life project.  But on the other hand, what difference does any of this make?  I mean I'm dead, so what do I care what some low IQ detectives on some local police force think?  My family and close friends know the good guy I really am and they would defend any accusations that were off base.  They would wouldn't they?  I hope they would.  Maybe I should call them all and tell them I love them one more time before this happens.

Wait, wait.  This isn't going to happen in a long time.  And even when it happens there won't be any autopsy done of my body or apartment or life.  So why am I thinking this?  Why did I really watch all those episodes?  Why are there so many of those shows on the air?  Maybe it's because deep down we all want to think of ourselves as living for a while after we die.  Secretly we all want a group of detectives to come through our stuff after we are gone and piece back together our life and call it interesting or cool or even just admirable.  The truth is that we are all pretty awesome.  No matter how many left over pizza boxes we have in the fridge or why we have that old photograph of Marilyn Monroe locked away in our safety deposit box.  We are all mysterious and wonderful beings just because we choose to live and survive in this world.  So, no matter what you have lying around and why...hug someone you love today and tell them that you appreciate them, because after you are gone, they are the one's who really know what your life was worth...and it was probably worth more than even you know.

Long Silence

Length of Shower: Sometimes this is the only true alone time I get  --Today I did something that most Americans rarely ever do.  Actually, I had to force myself to do it and even then it was a tough thing to do.  This is something that generations before us did a lot of, but we rarely do and that may contribute to some of the messes we have ourselves in right now.  Messes like the high divorce rate, and the crime rate, and possibly even the economy.  What I did is slowly fading from society and may someday be completely non-existent.  I actually sat alone, by myself, and did nothing for more than 20 minutes.

Yeah, think about that.  When was the last time you did that?  I mean no text or phone calls.  No game boys.  No TV.  Not even drinking a beer or smoking a cigarette.  Not even a conversation with someone next to you.  None of that.  Just you, by yourself, alone with only your thoughts for more than 20 minutes.  Can't remember the last time you did that can you?  I couldn't.  Not before last night.  Imagine doing it.  Twenty minutes is a longer time than you may think when you are just sitting and doing "nothing."  Go ahead, imagine it.

It's scary isn't it?  I thought it was.  And, in fact, it was at first.  To be alone with only your thoughts.  My hand began to twitch and reach out for my phone or a drink of something, anything...but nothing was there.  My hand was denied.  And so I sat.  At first my thoughts went to panic and tried to find loopholes or radical rationalizations around the challenge I had before myself.  But eventually, I began to ponder my life and where I was and where I was going.  Again the rationalizations came, but then they went away and the truth began to sink in and stay.  There was nothing to chase the truth away.  Never mind what I discovered for myself; think of what you would discover about yourself!  I know, it's scary...but it's also kind of exciting, right?

It doesn't matter where you do it, but I find that being outdoors helps the therapeutic nature of it a little more.  Not the middle of woods, although that would be cool, but even just on your deck or balcony or porch.  In your yard or on the hood of your car at the beach.  Anywhere that you are not inside your work or home...although those are fine consolation places if you have no other choice.  The time of day doesn't really matter either and whatever the weather is doing will have little-to-no hinderance on this process either.  The point is to, as Nike would say, just do it.

See I feel that this is one of the things wrong with our current world.  We have so many distractions to keep us from ourselves that its a rare person who actually knows him/her self.  We have radios or TV or even other people, and now we have the ultimate distraction in the palm of our hands...our phones.  These devices are fully equipped with all sorts of distractions and time spenders from texting to games to maps to up-to-the-minute news and weather.  And I even see some people now-a-days with two or three phones!  But do you really need all of that?  No.  Not every minute of every day anyway.  All that stuff only takes you further away from your true self.  The self that lives in your core.  The one who helps you make those instinctual decisions.  But how can you re-connect with that inner self?  Take away the distractions.

You can start simple.  Turn off the blue tooth and the cell phone ringer and even the radio the next time you drive.  We are a society obsessed with multi-tasking, but that is only another distraction.  So, I will let you multi-task just a little bit on your first exercise...driving in silence.  Choose to turn all distractions off the next time you plan on making that 30 minute drive to work or school or church.  No one else in the car and all other stimulus off.  Then, let your mind wander.  Not away from the driving or the road, but let the part that is normally listening to the radio roam onto thoughts that maybe you haven't thought about in a while.  See what discoveries you make or what emotions and even solutions to problems come to the surface.  Our minds are infinitely wonderful places and they often work out your problems in the backdrop or sub-conscience when you don't realize it.  But you have to let those solutions and thoughts and discoveries come to the surface.  You can't do that while you are talking to one friend and texting another and driving while smoking a cigarette and yelling at your kids in the backseat.

I know it's scary at first, but trust me and yourself, and find sometime this week to sit alone without any distraction for 20 minutes.  Our grandfathers and great-grandmothers had it right: sometimes sitting on a porch doing nothing is more therapeutic than seeing any therapist or avoiding our problems all together.  Trust me, the silence really is golden.

Turn of Expression

Length of Shower: Perhaps "amount of time" would be better rather than "length" of shower.  --We have all heard the expression, “anal retentive" for a person who is very well organized and clean almost to a fault.  The word "anal" in this phrase really has nothing to do with the anus at all.  I know it comes from a person's potty training and blah blah blah that the experts say; but in reality it has little-to-nothing to do with a person's ass.  

Well, I was thinking today about someone who would actually spend an unusually extensive amount of time cleaning their own backside.  Would we call that person an “anal attentive?”  If so, then we could call someone who brushes their teeth to excess an “orally attentive” person.  And someone who spends a lot of time cleaning there fingers and toes a “digitally attentive” person.  Going further we could call someone who washes their face and/or uses lotion and creams to excess a person who is “facially attentive” or perhaps create a new word altogether and call them “maskly attentive.”  If all of those phrases are passable then we could use them in conversation to make excuses for the blemishes of our friends; like my bald friend Arthur, “Oh, don’t worry about him, he’s just a little ‘follically attentive’ if you know what I mean.” 

I wonder if the above makes me come off a little “verbally attentive?”  Nah, probably just makes me “jargonally abusive."

Joining a Gym

Length of Shower:  If I'm showering in a public place with other people nearby, do I get as clean? --So, the time has come to join a gym.  I now live in Los Angeles and I'm not getting any younger, so I've put off the inevitable long enough.  I start my first "Free 7-day pass" in a couple days....but I have doubts.

See I was a part of a gym years ago and had a lot of trouble getting out from the automatic recurring membership.  I basically had to lie and do some heavy manipulating to convince them that there was no gym near my new apartment...which I convinced them I had moved to the middle of nowhere Nebraska.  That process took a couple of months, during which they continued to take money from my credit card.

That experience left a bad taste in my mouth about gyms and their membership fine print.  So, now that I am about to start going again, I am very leery about trusting them.  I don't want to get ripped off, but I do want a gym I feel comfortable in and one that I like going to.  I want to trust them, but letting go of my past experience is tough.

So, for the next few days I will do my best to rid myself of this "anti-trust" issue I have with gyms.  I will try to enjoy my experience and workouts and classes and I will try to really evaluate the gym based on things outside of the contract they will try and get me to sign at the end of my trial period.  Is it clean?  Is it comfortable?  How crowded is it?  Is it full of meatheads?  Are the hours good for my schedule?  Stuff like that.

We will see how it goes and I will keep you posted....especially if I see any hotties while I work out!

The Shower Shave

Length of Shower: Shaving time is always a nice feeling  --I think that I save time by shaving in the shower.  True, the foggy mirror is a detriment and I therefore sometimes miss large patches of hair on my face and neck, but all that water that’s already running makes rinsing the razor easier.  Plus, rinsing my face off at the end is a lot easier too.  Plus, shaving in the shower gives me an excuse to stay in the warm ‘rain’ for longer without being called a wimp, or some kind of water waster.  I am a green person, but let’s face it, who doesn’t like a nice warm shower to last just a bit longer?  So, for that and the convenience of getting two things done at once I often shave while in the shower.  I know most guys shave at the sink, but when I shave at a sink my skin isn’t as soft as it is in the warm steam of the shower and so I feel like it just hurts my skin more and causes more razor burn.  Not to mention, when I go to rinse my face by splashing water onto it from the sink it inevitably gets the bathroom floor wet...and that can be very dangerous.  And you don't want to add any more danger when you already have a razor blade up to your neck! 

The Allure of a Sale

Length of Shower:  Is discounted water better than normal price?  --Yesterday I went grocery shopping.  Not an odd thing to do, but something that needed to be done.  Now the thing about grocery shopping that I want to discuss today is the mysterious draw of the sale cart.

Every grocery store has one and in my case its actually a small closet area in the back corner called the “Discount Corner.”  Now the weird thing about the Discount Corner is the strange power it has over me.  I always end up being pulled by some mysterious force into this dark corner of the store. The corner where everything is severely marked down for reasons only the manger apparently knows (because there are a lot of “manager marked down” tags on things).  I peruse all the useless stuff in there and I find it difficult to not buy something.  It’s like I feel obligated to my budget or wallet to buy something in this tiny corner of junk.  It’s like some sort of aura comes over my body and mind when I’m back there and I begin rationalizing the need for stuff I don’t actually need.  Like the other day I reasoned a purpose for buying a package of 100 tiny paper plates with the USC (University of Southern California) school symbol on them.  I never went to USC.  I don’t really know anyone who went there.  I don’t particularly like USC, and yet there I was holding those 100 plates and looking for more deals!  Why do I do this?  Its not like I ever find anything back there that changes my life in a dramatic way.  In fact, most of the time I get home and never remember even buying these useless items.  When I attempt to remember why I purchased such an item my memory has already blacked out my time spent in the illustrious "Discount Corner."

So yesterday, I walked out of the corner and dropped the plates and one other item into my shopping cart and proceeded to the checkout.  Somewhere between the discount corner and the checkout I remember becoming myself again and a weird haze lifting from around my body.  But imagine my surprise when, as I was putting items onto the conveyor belt at the register, I picked up and dropped among the rest of my food a box of vagisil.  How in the world did I ever rationalize buying that?  I’m a single guy who lives with a roommate who is also a single guy.  What out of this world force is at work back in that corner that would make me even contemplate buying a box of vagisil?  Was it marked down so much that I just felt I had to buy it because NOT taking advantage of a deal that good would just be criminal?  Or did I actually think that I might pass it onto some woman in the near future and she would be totally appreciative of my purchase; a purchase that was THAT cheap no less?  The answer to that is:  I have no freaking idea!  I mean why is vagisil even in a supermarket?  

The whole experience was actually kinda scary and a huge wake-up call for me.  I swore to myself right there that I would never go back into the discount corner again, and you should consider that oath for yourself as well.  Learn from my embarrassing mistakes….The discount cart/corner at the grocery store is just freaky.  Stay away!  

Opening Up

Length of Shower---Why is it so hard to open some things? --Recently I've noticed a trend that is the opposite of what society seems to tell us.  Most men are actually more open and honest than women.  

I am a fairly normal guy by societal standards.  I like sports, beer, a good action movie and I shed that single tear when Ray Castella get's asked by his dad to play catch in Field of Dreams.  I'm also a straight guy and I don't much care for shopping or quilt making.  Society has that all pretty straight (no pun intended).  But society would also lead you to believe that I am simple in my desires and that I hold back in my emotions with women while they are free and open with theirs.  Recently, however, it's becoming more apparent to me that the last sentiment is way off base.

Several years ago I was head over heels in love with this amazing woman.  We dated for over a year and then she broke up with me.  It was a simple break up for her, but I was left totally confused.  As it turns out she was holding back emotionally and that I was "too perfect" in fulfilling her emotional needs.  I would too often tell her what she wanted and needed to hear at the right times.  What?  I took the hit and went on with my life.  A couple years later I met another woman who was even more amazing than the last one.  We dated for over two years and I even went so far as to buy a ring.  Only to find out that she too was holding back emotionally.  She was "never really honest" with me about how she felt and that she wasn't sure she "had ever been completely comfortable" with me the entire time we were dating.  What!?  She too said that I was amazing emotionally and was a "great and sensitive" guy but that she needed to go find herself.  Another punch to the gut, but again I got up and went on with my life.  

Several months ago I relocated to a new city.  I was excited about the prospect of dating here and thought maybe this city's women could "handle" me; but again I was wrong.  I soon started dating this wonderfully independent woman I had met on-line.  She was free and seemingly open and things were going along well.  When the time came to take a tiny step forward in the relationship however, she hit me with "you are the most emotionally intelligent man I've ever met.  I'm not ready for you."  What?  "Emotionally intelligent?" Who knew?  And if they knew, who knew that would be a bad thing?  Isn't that what society says men have none of...emotional intelligence?  Isn't that what  women have been complaining about in men for centuries?  And now that we have evolved to meet that standard, no woman wants it?  Maybe while we men were evolving emotionally women were de-evolving emotionally to meet our once low standards and we missed meeting in the middle.  Maybe?

I went in search to see if it was just me.  I started prodding my straight male friends to share with me some of the details of the emotional relationships they have, or have had, with women.  I spoke with single and married men and what I found was eye-opening.  I was not alone!  In almost every case a troublesome point of contention was that it was the MEN who were more open and sharing than the women they dated or even married.  

I dug further.  This past weekend I met with two of my best friends, one a man and one a woman, as well as their significant others to discuss their relationships.  In the first relationship as I played "marriage counselor" they went on about various subjects and issues within their relationship.  Some were funny, some were serious, but all were issues they were "working through."  What the three of us discovered was that among other things, the man had actually been more open, honest and vulnerable in his sharing than she had been.  Not only that, but they both agreed that was the case.  The woman actually admitted it first and with a hint of pride no less.  Interesting.

The following night I met with a friend of mine and her boyfriend of one year.  They confessed that in their relationship too it is he who is more open and vulnerable than she is.  She admitted it a little more timidly than the previous day's woman, but then spoke freely about it saying, "Yes, I keep him at arm's length a bit but he shares openly without hesitation."  Really!?  

Because of all this I'm becoming more and more convinced that society has this wrong and that it is more often women who are holding back in relationships, not men.  But the real question is why?  Could it be, as stated above, that women were emotionally evolving backwards while men were evolving forward and we never met in the middle?  Maybe it's always been this way and the societal standard is just a myth?  Or perhaps men just have less to hide than woman?  Maybe it's because men bounce back from getting hurt easier and women don't?

Whatever the case might be it is clear that societal standards are both right and wrong in this case.  Wrong in the point that women are more open and vulnerable emotionally than men, but right in the fact that men and women may never see eye to eye on anything.  But we'll be damned if we stop trying, right?

Fly Away

Length of Shower:  Is it still exciting to take a warm shower?  --So, I've done some flying recently.  No, not with my own wings or with a cape, but in planes.  And I realized as I was flying back home the other day that I still get excited to fly.  Do you remember your first plane ride?  Do you remember how excited you were to be flying in a plane?  I do.  And I still get that feeling every time I'm in a plane and we pull away from the gate to taxi out towards the runway.  I get a little excited bundle of energy in the depths of my abdomen and it forces me to grin.  The excitement is still there!

I thought about that excitement this last trip I took and wondered where it came from and why it's still there.  I have taken close to 100 plane rides in my day.  Now, that's not a whole lot compared to a business traveler or pilot, but it's enough to wear out the excitement; yet it hasn't.  As I searched my feelings (like Luke Skywalker should have done more of) I discovered it was less about the plane itself and more about where we were going.  No, not the actual destination, but the feeling of adventure and heading out to explore the world.  For some reason I associate plane rides with that feeling every college student gets when they first leave home and head off to college alone.  No parents or supervisors or authority figures looking over their shoulders; it's just them and they are finally, fully independent.  That is the feeling I get, just for a few seconds, every time I'm on a plane and we are about to take off.  The world awaits and I'm bound for greatness. Ahhh, what a feeling!  Do you ever have that feeling?  I hope so, because it's special and unique and is a small part of the larger fire inside each of us that keeps us living.  Cherish those moments and feelings and let them feed your soul.

Now Boarding! Destination is....

Length of Shower:  You can tell the length by what I'm not wearing --So, I've been in a few airports recently as I've been traveling, thus the lack of posts for a couple days.  In my travels I've passed through and had layovers in several airports across the country and I've discovered that as I walk down the terminal I rarely have to look at the gate sign to see where a certain plane is heading.  No, often times I just have to look at the people and I can tell right away.  Let me take you down a terminal and explain as I go.

As I ride the moving sidewalk I pass gates D2 through D5.  The gate area for D2 is packed with older, mostly caucacian people.  Hardly anyone under the age of 60 and they are all dressed for warm weather and in bright colors. It is a loud gate as the people seem to be yelling at each other.  That's not exactly true, however, as I quickly realize they are just speaking really loudly to each other so they can communicate and actually hear one another.  There are no less than 5 wheelchairs in the gate area ready to take those pre-boarding passengers who need assistance.  This will no doubt clear out half the people in this gate.  They also all have their tickets in there hands and at the ready.  Most of them are reading actual books or newspapers and not one of them is on a cell phone.  My guess is that this plane will be heading to Arizona.  As I glance up to the board at Gate D2 the sign says, "Phoenix" and it is due to start boarding in about 45 minutes.  Ah, yes, I should have known that these same people would be EXTREMELY early as to not miss this flight.

Next is gate D3.  This gate is quite a contrast to D2.  This gate is only moderately filled and there are "buffer seats" between parties to distiguish themselves and to provide space between themselves and anyone they don't know.  The people in this gate run the gamut of cultures and race.  There is white and black and Latino and eastern European as well as a sprinkling of Asian and then every race/color in-between.  An eclectic bunch to say the least.  But there are three things that tie these folks together.  They are all in dark colors.  Mostly black and variations of black, these folks dressed well and hip and up-to-date with the fashion of the day but all in dark colors.  The second thing that they have in common is that they are all using their cell phones or iPads.  No one is talking in person to anyone else but they are all engaged intensely in their own electronic devices.  I quietly wonder what they will do with themselves when they board the plan and are asked to turn all these devices off; but the thought goes away swiftly as I realize their ages.  There is no one under the age of 24 or over the age of 40 in this gate at all!  A very age specific gate it would appear.  Like a hipster club of darkly dressed extras from the Matrix movies but without the glasses.  They must be heading to New York I assume without much hesitation.  Checking my hypothesis I see that I am right on the money, "New York--La Guardia" the sign answers back.  Ha!  Two for Two...perfect so far.

Gate D4 is a bit tougher.  Not the people, but placing them to a specific city will be tough.  They are a larger group of people, and by that I mean heavier.  Everyone in this group is easily fifteen to forty pounds overweight...except of course for the tall skinny teenager in the corner.  This group is all white skinned and most of them are wearing sweatshirts routing for some type of football team.  NFL and college teams alike.  The sweatshirts advertise the sport but not an overwhelming majority for one team in particular.  No, that would make this too easy.  Like when you spot a gate of Nebraska Husker fans you know exactly where they are going; but this group in D4 was difficult to pin down.  The ages made it tougher as well because they ranged from infants crying to a few scattered and exhausted looking couples well over 70 years old.  This was a tough plane to pinpoint but my brain settled on three places, each had its pull.  But forcing myself to choose one, I went with the safe choice: Chicago.  The sign read, "Detroit" and I counted that as 3/4 correct since they are very close in both geography and lifestyle.  So I was now 2 3/4 out of 3 gates.  Pretty good!

The final gate in this impromptu test on myself was D5.  While I was hoping it would be empty and therefore secure my own personal victory; it was, in fact, full.  OK, bear down and start judging you over confident fool.  So that I did.  The gate was full of a range of people and the first thing I noticed were all the sunglasses.  Almost everyone was wearing sunglasses!  Ha!  "Somewhere in California," I immediately concluded.  "But where?"  For that I had to look closer.  So, I exited my futuristic sidewalk and strode a little closer to the gate.  That's when I had an overwhelming and funny feeling in my loins.  Like that feeling you get when a lover turns down the lights and starts talking in their best bedroom voice.  It was a good feeling that emanated from the entire gate.  I shook it off as best I could and focused in on the details of the people.  These people were all gorgeous!  I had quick, uncontrolled and fanciful visions of each person as I looked at them.  They were each more perfect than the next.  Age had nothing to do with it as they ranged from early twenties to over sixty, but each one was a perfect specimen of human characters and archetypes.  I could also feel how impersonal, yet confident and egotistical this group was.  I was both excited and afraid.  Afraid they would use me up in some inappropriate way and then spit me back out; and excited for the same reason!  It was both scary and exciting.  Not knowing what to do I picked up my pace and cleared the gate area as fast as possible.  When I had time to process and clear my head I knew at once that plane was headed for LAX.  A quick and calculated glance over my shoulder confirmed it.

That's when I smiled at my little successful experiment.  While I know that there are exceptions to every rule and that each person is as beautiful and unique as a snowflake, let's be honest with ourselves too.  As general groupings go, it's not that difficult to place groups into regions and cities and typical standards. And it's not a bad thing either.  Each group and region of this wonderful country has its little "claim to fame" places and people take pride in that, and they should.  But go ahead and try this little experiment for yourself the next time you are in an airport.  It doesn't hurt anyone and its a great way to people watch.  Plus, if the electronic board above your boarding gate ever goes down you can rest easy knowing that by looking at the people around you, you are still headed in the right direction.

Happy flying, ya'll!

May Day!

Length of Shower: Is there a special phrase I should use if things start to go south in the shower?  --May 1st is kinda the weakest holiday I can think of.  It's not an official holiday and there is little-to-no commitment in celebrating it as anything other than the first day of the month that contains the day we associate as the unofficial start to summer.  But it's a holiday anyway, so let's talk about it.

I know that on May Day we are supposed to give out little baskets of candy to our friends and neighbors and then run away before they can thank you.  Kinda like some random, but purposeful, act of kindness.  Although how kind is it that we are encouraging our neighbors to eat a lot of candy that is unhealthy for them?  What, are we trying to kill them off so we can make an offer on their house before anyone else?

And speaking of death, where does the phrase "Mayday" come from?  When a plane is in trouble and about to crash, pilots get on the radio and cry, "Mayday, Mayday."  Why?  Are they wanting to celebrate a random and week holiday just before their death?  Why not just scream "Help!" like everyone else would?  What does "Mayday" say that "Help" would not?  

Where does this holiday come from, anyway?  I will admit that I cheated a bit with this blog and actually did some research (not much, but a little. I did this for your benefit; thank me later).  In the research it says that today is really just a mix of other smaller holidays.  According to one website: "It's a celebration of Spring and a day of political protests. It's a neopagan festival, a saint's feast day, and a day for organized labor."  Say What?  How is all that considered one holiday?  It sounds about as confused as an adolescent boy with an erection in a bathroom of other boys but pictures of naked woman on the walls.  A "neopagan festival" and a "saint's feast day" while also being a "celebration of Spring" while we should be doing "political protests."  What!?  How is this day a holiday?  And how did we get from all that confusion to dropping baskets of candy at our neighbor's doorstep?  


No wonder most people ignore this holiday and do nothing.  It sounds more like a day of confusion than a holiday.  I think I will ignore it too, and just look forward to the real holiday in May....Cinco de Mayo!!  Wait, that's not an American holiday at all and nor is it "official".  Darn it!  These holiday's can be so confusing sometimes.

Questionable Colors

Length of Shower: Why is my soap blue? --I woke up today and was thinking about color.  Specifically I was thinking about why we use certain colors for certain things.  Why is that?

Why on a weather map do they always use the color red for a high pressure system and blue for a low pressure system?  Is it because high pressure normally brings hot temperatures and we normally associate hot with red?  And thus the opposite for blue and cold temperatures?

And why is hot associated with red and cold with blue in the first place?  Is that because things in nature that are hot like fire and the sun and burns on your skin are all red or bright yellow; and cold things like water and snow and your lips when you freeze are blue?  That makes sense I guess.

But who decided that green meant "go" and red meant "stop"?  And Why?  I understand the red means hot concept, but why "stop"?  The only thing I can come up with is that it is a prime color and it was chosen randomly.  But then why use a secondary color such as green for "go"?  That doesn't make sense.  Stay consistent and use another primary color like blue or yellow.

At least they use two primary colors when breaking our own country into political ownership; but why?  Why is a conservative state called a "red state" and a more liberal one called "blue"?  Red doesn't seem to be that "conservative" to me as a color.  Actually, it seems more liberal than blue.  It's brighter and more brash and hotter.  Or am I to assume that conservative Republicans are brash and bright but liberal Democrats are soft and slightly duller?  I doubt that's true although you could argue that about both sides...and you could argue against that as well.  I'll let them work that out.

Furthermore (who uses that word anymore?) what about the whole black being "evil" or "bad" and white being "pure" and "good" thing?  Where does that come from?  In what I remember about those colors from school black absorbs all color and white reflects all colors at once.  Or in other words, black is all the colors mixed together and white is the absence of color.  So, why is the absence of all things a "good" thing and the presence of all colors mixed a "bad" thing?  It would seem to be the opposite for me; if you mix all things together that is like a party or casserole or kinda the concept of the USA being a mixing pot of the rest of the world.  Are those things "bad"?  Not really.  And is being alone, eating vanilla ice cream, or living in an exclusive country like Mongolia a "good" thing?  Not necessarily.

Obviously there are no answers to many, or all, of these questions.  But in short I'm just asking why do we associate certain colors with certain things and was there a logical reason or was it just chance?  We may never know, but that won't stop me from asking the questions; and it shouldn't stop you either.

Kids Work

Length of Shower:  How young is too young to take your first shower?  --So today I was thinking about those people who do voice over for a living.  You know, the ones who you hear over the top of commercials or movie trailers or even the voices who perform the books-on-tape stuff.  How easy must that job be?  I mean, not to take away from the talent, but if you boil in all down all those people are doing is reading.  They are getting paid to read.  Most people learn to read in like kindergarten and first grade.  So, basically (and I mean very basically) those people are making a living doing what a child can do.  "Awesome," I thought to myself.  And then I starting thinking about all the jobs that are basically glorified careers doing what we all learned as kids.  "Like what?" I thought to myself.

Well, think about all the basic stuff you did as a kid; there is probably a job for it.  In kindergarten we were encouraged to "pretend" a lot.  Bam!  That's an actor or writer.  Also in grade school we were suppossed to go outside for recess and "play."  Bam!  That's a professional athlete.  What about cleaning up your messes?  Bam!  That's a garbage man.  Reading is (as mentioned above) voice over artists.  How about when we were all taught in those early years to "be nice to others," well isn't that what we now call a Social Worker or maybe someone who starts and works for a charity?  Or even anyone in the healthcare profession?  I think so.

This leads me to believe that while we think of children often times as little adults, it's probably more accurate the other way around;  adults are just large children with bigger toys.  Think about when you were taught to do just about anything...I bet you can find someone with that profession.  Remember learning to ride a bike?  Can you say, "Lance Armstrong?"  I can't think right now how learning to tie your shoes can turn into a job...but I'm sure it's out there.  What profession ties a lot of knots or ropes....a Sailor for fisherman maybe?  Anyway you get the point.

Of course there is the dark side to everything and this is no exception.  There were those kids, and you know who they were, who just refused to learn the skills the rest of us did and they chose to remain selfish and greedy and to not share.  Those people all went on to run banks or large corporations and they get rich and share very little until forced, just like they did as kids.  But for the most part, we all found something we were good at and stuck with it.

I grew up with pets and like so many parents, my mother and father made my siblings and I help in the feeding and walking and taking care of those pets.  Well, it shouldn't be a surprise that now one of my siblings run's a pet care company and it grosses over six figures every year!  My other sibling was obsessed with windmills and clouds as a young child and now is a Meteorologist.  See, we are just larger versions of our child like selves.

So, I guess those early years of development really are some of the most important!  Keep that in mind you parents out there when you are teaching your children how to....well, how to do anything!

Quick and Clean

Length of Shower: A very fast and efficient two minutes --Today I woke up late and had to take a very fast shower.  And I learned that I can take a very fast shower and still be effective in getting my body clean.  I wasted no time in enjoyment of the water or its temperature or letting my mind wonder so I could entertain all my readers with some deep and meaningful, yet quirky and humorous antidote to life's little issues.  But it also got me to thinking a bit post shower.

How much water would we save if all of us just took really quick showers?  Or what if we all just shortened our normal shower time by one minute?  I bet we could save a billion gallons easy.  We should try that, right?  Maybe I should write the President and ask him to make a special holiday where for one day every year it is illegal to shower at all!  I bet if no one showered at all for one day we could save like hundreds of billions of gallons of water!  And if it was an actual holiday and we did it once every year think how wonderful that would be for water conservation.  Of course it would have to be a Saturday when not many people go to work, but still, I think it would be worth it, don't you think?

Innuendo

Length of Shower: it's not the length but what I mean by the length that matters --So many things have other meanings to them.  Sometimes we say one thing but are really trying to express something else.  That is called "innuendo." When we speak in a code where we are saying something but communicating something else, that is innuendo.  It happens, and we see it, all the time.  Candy cigarettes. The Washington Monument.  And the greatest SNL skit of all time, "Schwetty Balls."  But of all the places and ways innuendo is used, song lyrics use it the most.

Song writers like Bob Dylan, Rod Stewart, Billy Joel and even the Beatles were rarely meaning the literal words they were singing.  Songs by these artists and many more are lots of times about drugs or sex or both.  Think about songs like, "Rainy Day Woman" or "Captain Jack" or "Pink Cadillac."  Those were not about Women, or Cadillacs or a Captain named Jack.  They were about drugs and sex.  And if you still think Prince is really talking about rain that is a slight purple color in his song "Purple Rain" than you are largely mistaken.

The one genre that seems to have very little of this going on would be country music.  At least that is what I thought until I heard a song today on the radio and almost choked on my gum at how full of sexual innuendo it was.  Not only the lyrics but the title is full of a hidden message.  Check out these lyrics to just the chorus and try to tell me he isn't talking pretty directly about sex.

My Big Green Tractor

Chorus: And I can take you for a ride on my big green tractor
We can go slow or make it go faster
Down through the woods and out to the pasture
'Long as I'm with you it really don't matter

Climb up in my lap and drive if you want to
Girl, you know you got me to hold on to
We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather
I'll take you for a ride on my big green tractor


Holy cow!  I guess country music is no longer exempt from innuendo, at least not in my mind.  Maybe it never was, but whether it was or wasn't it definitely is full of innuendo now.  Come to think of it there is also that other country song, "Save a horse, Ride a Cowboy."  Man, that is sexual innuendo if I've ever heard it, too!


Do you think I could use that as a pick up line, by the way?  "Hey girl, you wanna take a ride on my big green tractor?"  LOL.

Inside-Out

Length of Shower: have you ever tried to shower backwards? --Today is a special blog post.  I have had three friends go through some break-ups recently.  I thought about some past break-ups of my own and started looking through some of my writing.  I found this poem I wrote shortly after a break-up of my own about 6 years ago.  I want to encourage everyone to write when they are feeling down heart broken.  It can be very therapeutic and has been proven to help the "moving on process" enormously.  I share one of mine with you now.

I hope you all enjoy or get something out of it.  It's called "Inside-Out"

Inside-Out

By: D.M Worley

  

I love you from the inside-out

The flowing of you from with-in to without.

It starts with your compassion for people

Which reveals itself through the crack of your smile.

It begins by your intense intelligence

And seeps through the glimmer of your eyes

It starts with your determination and drive

Then shows itself by the pout of the child inside.

Your humor is always so easy to find

When you giggle at life through your eloquent sight.

Your heartache and grief are harder to see

But at simple, right moments are shared with me.

I love to watch out for your quick, nimble wit

When it chooses its target and strikes clean and wet.

Your sensual nature is shared only with few

And it shows itself then with a glance or a brush.

The devil inside, you try to keep tame

But peeks out with one eye ‘hind a lock of thick hair

I see all these things within you somehow

And Love every one as I see them come out.

Don’t worry or stress or change anything

I’ll keep them all close and cherish the same.

I love you from the inside-out

It’s simply the only way that I can.

(This is copyrighted material and is the property of D.M.Worley only.  Thank you.)

Easter!!

Length of Shower:  The shower can sometimes raise you up, but not from the dead --Today is Easter.

Christians celebrate this day by getting dressed up and putting on spring colors and bonnets and heading off to the earliest church services you have ever been to...at sunrise!  They go and see people they haven't seen since the Christmas service (because those are the only two services those people go to) and they sing and pray and listen to the old story of how Jesus broke out of the tomb and was raised from the dead.  This story will have some "new" twist or interpretation to it, but it is still the same story at it's root.  And Christians sometimes whoop and hollar and say big words really loudly like, "Hallelujah!" Then they generally go and do some sort of food and have a big meal with family and friends.  It's kind of like thanksgiving in the spring.  It's a good time.

The rest of the world, and Christians too, celebrate by having a mysterious and large bunny who no one ever actually sees come to their house, ala Santa Clause, and brings candy and then proceeds to hide colored eggs around your house for everyone to go find.  What!?  I assume you are going to find the eggs because if you don't then they will rot and smell up your house.  Wow, thanks a lot you stupid bunny!  That's exactly what I wanted to do on my weekend day off in the middle of spring was spend a bunch of time looking for eggs that I can't eat.

How and where did this silly tradition come from?  I understand that in the commercialization of a Christian holiday we have to provide some alternative for the non-Christians to do, but a bunny that hides eggs!?  Really?  That was the best we could come up with?  Really!?  Rabbits don't even lay eggs!  The more you look at this the less sense it makes!  Why didn't we do something simple like a rabbit that hides carrots, or a chicken who leaves you a pile of chocolate eggs.  Why is there a rabbit hiding something that has nothing to do with rabbits?  And where did the eggs come into the picture?  Sometimes I just don't understand commercialization.

No matter how you celebrate, I hope that you have a wonderful Easter and that you find all the eggs you desire....why you would desire to do that is beyond me, but I wish you a happy Easter anyway :)

Prince Concert

A picture from my seats last night!

Length of Shower:  When you've got the talent to shower like this, it's amazing to watch --I have not been much of a concert goer in my time.  That's not to say I haven't been to a number of concerts, but it's not a passion of mine.  I've seen U2 in concert, and Garth Brooks, and several smaller performers but last night took the cake.  Last night I attended the Prince Welcome 2 America concert at the Forum in Los Angeles.  It was amazing!

Prince, who has been performing for well over 25 years, simply knows what he is doing and he is a master at doing it.  It is so amazing to watch a performer like that.  It was clear he knew exactly what to do and when to do it, from the smallest of hand gestures to the largest of dance moves and jumps, he was spot on with every move!  And the crowd fed off of it and he fed off of us.  He also had the freedom to do what he wanted when he wanted to do it.  At moments he would throw his arms up in the air and hold the pose or he would play with the microphone and it's stand like it was an intimate dance partner.  He would jump and then fall to the floor and lay there for a while in a spread eagle pose in the middle of the stage while the crowd would go wild...they went wild for a man just laying on the stage!  Not anyone can pull that off.  That is an experienced performer who knows just what to do and how long to do it for.  He would then prop himself up on just his forearms before suddenly pulling himself across the stage with his arms and letting his legs drag splayed open behind him.  And the man is almost 53!!  Amazing!  The show was not a huge spectacle of special effects, but it didn't need it, because Prince himself combined with the great music was enough.  This is what a rock concert used to be and should be, but isn't anymore.

I found myself thinking of current performers and how they lack this kind of musicality and showmanship. You would never find Carrie Underwood or Justin Bieber do anything like this.  It's way too much work for the modern performer to do.  It's easier to cover it all up with a stage full of dancers or a ton of special effects like Britney Spears does, but not in the hay-day of rock!  Now some of the old rock-n-roll performers did use theatrics, but it was by choice and not to cover up for a lack of performance.  Performers like Madonna and Aerosmith and Def Leppard, and the Rolling Stones knew, and still know, how to get more from a crowd with one move of their arm or shift of their eyes than the modern "star" can get with all the fireworks and confetti a producer can buy.  But these performers are few and far between at this point and are a dying breed.

I encourage you to get out there and see a concert by one of these amazing performers that we will soon only be talking about.  Go to a Stones concert or Prince or Madonna if she is still performing.  See and experience them while you can, because in the age of technology that we live in this type of performer is a dying breed and when they are gone, we will miss them forever.

Thank you Prince for the greatest concert I've ever, and may ever in my life, attended!