LImited items are so good!

Length of shower: 5 min.--Today I was thinking about the McRib sandwich at McDonalds and why it is so good.  I mean I love the McRib!  But why is it only around for a short period of time?  That sucks.  I want to be able to eat the sandwich I desire every time I peruse into any McDonalds, but I can't.  They only release it once every like 8 or 10 years.  Why do companies do that?  Why are certain things only for a "limited time"?  This is America!  This is the land of over indulgence and over eating and big cars and EBAY; shouldn't we be able to get anything at anytime?

Now I understand why things like candy canes and fireworks are only for a limited time...because they are tied to a holiday.  I also get the limited time offers that are tied to "while supplies last" type of deals, because that makes sense.  But other things aren't tied to a holiday or small supplies, like electronic sales, or like when Disney only releases certain movies to DVD every 10 or 20 years and then they go "back into the vault", wherever that is.  But maybe that's why all this is so good; because I can't have it all the time.  Look, I know that is the selling point but I mean maybe that is really, truly why it tastes or feels so good, because I can't have it all the time.

Like sex!  Sex is the ultimate "limited time offer" isn't it?  I mean you can't (or shouldn't) do it for like the first 20 years of your life and you know you will be having less of it in your old age (because you won't have the energy to get "up" for it) and so you get as much of it as you can while you can in the prime years of your life.  But even then it is sometimes hard to get.  Sometimes the in-laws are over or the baby needs attention or the dog is sick.  Or especially when you fight with your spouse and she/he withholds sex out of spite.  You of course end up apologizing for whatever happened, no matter if you were wrong or not, just so you can go back to having regular sex.  Or if you're single it is even harder to get because you have to work harder to get it.  You know how this goes: at least 3 dates and then rehashing all those old stories of yourselves so you can become just comfortable enough with each other to take off your clothes together in a small, very dark bedroom.   I mean single or not, after going through all that it BETTER be good, right?  And let's face it, most of the time sex is worth all of that.

Yea, "limited time offers" are all around us all the time.  I guess sometimes they just aren't advertised as plainly as the McRib, but that doesn't mean they aren't as good!  I guess we should just enjoy them more indulgently while the offer is out there so we don't miss them as much when they are gone.  From now on I will enjoy the "limited time offers" even more while those supplies last.

How many is too many?

Length of Shower: 14 min.--Sometimes I like to take many showers in a day.  They feel good.  All that warm water pelting your chest and back, letting the hot water stream down your body; Ahhhhh, that just feels good writing about it.  It can be very soothing.  Sometimes I take showers when I’m sick just to make me feel better.  Plus, it is sometimes the only alone time I get all day.  Showers are awesome.  But how many are too many in a day?  3? 5? 14?  I have never read that showering is bad, but I have read that you can “Have too much of a good thing” and “Everything in moderation.”  So, if I take like 3 or 4 showers in a day what could be the negative effects?  I know the water conservationists would be mad at me and tell me how much water I’m wasting, but hey, at least I’m not taking 3 or 4 baths a day!  That would be worse; 50% worse I’m told.  And short of maybe dealing with wrinkly hands, could too much water hurt my skin?  Or Hair?  Or Toe nails?  What about my bones?  Could taking too many showers soften my bones, or worse my skull?  Wow, that kind of thinking is scary.  You know, I think I will just stick to a 2 shower per day maximum.  Yea, that should be enough.  

Easy-to-open boxes...yeah right!

Length of Shower: 10 min.---Boxes.  They carry so many essential items.  TVs, Stereos, Shoes, tissues, a small man named Jack who apparently stays in there all the time, and lots of food like cookies, cereal, pancake powder, cake mix, and a bunch more.  Boxes hold some of the most important things in my life.

Boxes are great!  Except when I want to open them.  More specifically, those boxes that have the ‘easy to open’ instructions frustrate me the most.  Those are the real boogers to open. "To open simply press thumb here" Yea right!  Now for the record I am not a weak-thumbed person.  I have won my share of thumb wars, but I feel so inadequate when I try to open a simple box of macaroni-and-cheese.  It is supposed to be sooooo easy to open by pressing your thumb in the side and then simply ‘popping’ the top off.  But I can’t seem to do it.  I end up just hurting my thumb, not even putting a dent in the box, and saying small amounts of profane phrases to myself in a quick whisper.  And it’s not just Mac-N-Cheese boxes either; those little individual cereal boxes have it too.  You know the variety pack of small cereal boxes?  They have an ‘easy to open’ instruction that involves hurting your thumb too.  The apparent difference is that their opening spot is on the front.  Ha!  That doesn’t make any difference!  In both cases I end up wondering, “what’s the point?”  Neither one is easier than just opening the top flaps at the creases that are already there to begin with, which seems WAY easier than trying to fight with the box and hurting my thumb in the process.  I mean, those creases are how the cereal and macaroni got in there in the first place, so why wouldn’t I just reverse that process to get the macaroni out?  Easier, right!?  I tell you what, from now on I will open boxes how I see fit and not feel badly about it.  What do you think about that you box making companies?  Now who feels inadequate, huh?  

Is my face really clean?

Length of Shower: 7 min.---How long is the right length of time to wait before washing your face AFTER you have washed your butt? One minute?  Two?  More than five? What if I just flip to the other side of the soap?  And is one washing of your hands enough?  Two?  How many before your hands are “clean” enough? Today I waited 1 minute and 2 washings; I hope that was enough.  

Chinese Delivery: so good, but not so fast.

Length of Shower: 10 min.---Is it me or is calling for a delivery order to a Chinese food place harder than it should be?  I mean, these people function in normal American society just the same, if not more successfully, as I do; yet I have to repeat myself like 12 times every time I call one of these places.  Now, I’m not racist I’m just saying that I kinda feel like maybe they are doing it on purpose to get some laughs.  I don’t experience this issue when I associate with Asian people in any other experience, just ordering over the phone for Chinese food.  True, maybe it’s the phone, but I doubt it.  I think they work long hours with little entertainment and so they make me repeat simple things just to amuse themselves.  I mean, is repeating my apartment number multiple times really necessary?  When I order pizza all I have to say is “3C” once and it’s fine and they bring it right to my door.  But when I call for Chinese food I have to say, “3C…yes 3….no, no not tree, 3…uh huh…no, no, not just apartment 3 there is a C after it.  No, no NOT tree!  The letter ‘C’ as in ‘cat’.  Yes, ‘C’…no, no not just ‘C’, 3C…both the number 3 and the letter ‘C’ as in ‘cat’…yes, no, no, not ‘3 tree’ 3C!!  The number 3 followed immediately by the letter ‘C’ as in ‘cat’…no, no, the apartment number doesn’t have a cat in the name it’s the letter ‘C’ AS IN ‘cat’…yes, no, no, not ‘3 Cat’…ok, look, just bring it to the address and I’ll meet you downstairs!”  Now I know the whole time that I have ordered there before and the delivery guy knows darn well what apartment I live in but he just doesn’t want to come all the way up the stairs to my actual apartment.  I know this because one time I had a friend of mine who can speak in an Asian accent call in my order.  She didn’t have to repeat herself once and the food got to my place in record time!  Ha!  Now I get it, every time I order Chinese food I need to use that accent and it will all be fine…except I can’t do a Chinese accent, darn it!  I guess I’ll just have to go downstairs to get my Chinese food.  Or maybe I can have the pizza guy pick it up on his way to my apartment; actually I think I'm onto something there.

Singing in the Shower

Length of shower: 11 min. ---Singing in the shower is an age old practice that goes back as far as showers themselves.  But why?  Is it the water beating down on us like rain that makes us just want to sing out for joy?  Or perhaps it’s the feeling of getting clean?  Maybe it’s even something chemical that the cleanliness seeps through our skin to our tissues and bones and they send signals to the brain, which then sends a message to the lungs and voice to start yelling a melodious tune?  Personally, I think it has more to do with the magic of being truly alone and contained in an acoustically fantastic box that resonates our tones back to us with a ringing brilliance that makes each and every one of us feel like singing stars!  With that in mind, I wonder why recording studios don’t install showers right into the studio and just attach a microphone above the shower and have singing stars record that way.  Wait, maybe that IS what they do?  I’m imaging Mariah Carey recording a song while in the shower right now…hmmm what a beautiful image, I mean song, what a beautiful song!!

Bathroom Floors: Sanctity of Warmth or Siberian Tundra?

Length of shower: 9 min.---It is often a quick decision when constructing a bathroom to lay tile or stone as the flooring, but I say, "let's think again."

Tile and stone are cool, but they are also cool, as in cold, people!  No matter what time of year, when my feet hit that beautifully tiled floor after a good warm shower it is cold!  And not just ice or snow cold, but arctic cold!  Cold like the shoulder of my second girlfriend who made me take her on 4 dates before I got my first kiss from her...which was a quick peck on the cheek at the end of the night. Now, it is true that tile cleans up better after a watery mess that bathrooms can sometimes have, but when was the last time that happened to you?  Exactly, you can't even remember can you?  However, if you are like me dealing with the tile floor in my bathroom you can simply throw down a rug near the shower, so your feet are sparred their wintery wake up.  But the problem with that is that once you dry off and are ready to take another step, away from the shower, you hit the ice cold floor again.   So, we inevitably throw down that useless hand towel in front of the sink and then jump to the safety of it's warmth like a frog jumping to a lily pad.   You then think to yourself,  "Can I make it to through the doorway to the carpeted hallway?"

Of course you could cover the bathroom in carpets and rugs.  But what good is that?  They tend to fall apart after a while plus you will inevitably step off that carpet every now and then only to find that menacingly frigid floor waiting for that one daring toe of yours to venture away from the pack.  Burrr!

But what would solve all this inner turmoil and literal "cold feet"?  Carpet!  Duh.  But we rarely carpet a bathroom floor.  Why?  Carpets are warm, friendly and they insulate.  I say we start a carpet movement and start re-doing all our bathrooms in carpet!  After all, in the end our everyday comfort is more important than the occasional watery mess that may or may not ever happen.  And while we are at it we should just carpet the garage too....but more on that later.

What's this blog about?

Maybe you've never thought about it, but the shower is a sacred place for most of us.  It is the place we start our day.  It is the place we wake up and warm up and clean up.  For some people it is like coffee in the fact that their "day can't start without my" shower.  The shower is, in fact, the one time during the day where you can be guaranteed to have time to yourself.  The shower is the only time you can think without interruption.  Its a peaceful place where we all have thoughts and inspirations that we rarely follow through with.

That's why I'm here.  I'm here to write down and share all those weird, intimate, possibly racy thoughts we all have while we are naked and alone in that most private of places behind that protective glass or curtain.  Those thoughts you laugh at to yourself, but share with no one.  Those stories where you let your imagination go like a 7-year old in the sandbox.  Those jokes you secretly like but would never share with a co-worker out of fear from being made fun of.  All those guilty pleasures you don't share with anyone are now fair game.  Yes, I will reveal what I think and what I've learned about women, men, dating, sex, the ethics of restrooms and much much more.

Here I will post daily for the next year (or more) on all the things that come to my mind while in the shower everyday.  Sometimes it's a story.  Sometimes its a random thought.  And sometimes it's just some hygiene tips for cleaner living.  Nothing is "out of bounds" with this blog.  You ready?  'Cause you can't learn to swim without getting a little wet.