Growing Pains

Length of Shower: 9 min--No, I'm not talking about that Growing Pains, the tv show, I'm talking about the real growing pains.

When I was a young lad about the age of 12 I had a few issues.  Aside from the normal puberty issues of a changing voice and bad smells coming from places I didn't know existed, I also had very frequent pain in my knees and legs.  The pain was a constant aching that felt like a vice grip slowly being tightened on my bones.  I complained about this pain whenever it occurred.  I always started with my mother, who without even a look or hesitation in her voice would say it was growing pains and that they will go away "soon enough", however long THAT is I never knew.  Next I would go to my father for sympathy and he would simply direct me back to my mother.  So, in the end I just had to suck it up and deal with this minor annoyance of pain that was apparently evidence that my bones were in-fact growing.  So, I went about my days and started to assume that I was going to be a very tall man.

Later in life, however, I heard the term again.  This time it was in reference to the emotional pain I had when I thought of home while living in a dorm full of other college males who were all exhibiting different forms of dominance on any given night.  My mother again gave me the wisdom that this feeling was also a "growing pain."  Although it felt very different than the growing pain years earlier, I took her word as truth and indeed got used to the violence and noise of other young men full of testosterone.

I thought that would be it for me, and that the "growing pains" would stop when I was a full grown adult, but again I was wrong.  After going through a break up with a longtime girl friend and moving across the country and having no money to my name; my mother again came with her wise words telling me to stay patient through the "growing pains" of life.  And again I pulled myself through it and everything was fine.

Recently, a female friend of mine was going through a frustrating time and this time it was me who had the wise words.  "This too will pass" I said, "it's just growing pains."  That made her feel a lot better.

And with that I realized what growing pains really are; a pair of words to let you know that this is just one of those moments in life where the roller coaster is at a valley, but it will assuredly come back up to a peak.  And the fact is, that life's peaks always do come back, if you just wait out those growing pains.

Dream Jobs

Length of Shower: 9 min--The dream job, everyone has one, but I have had several throughout my life.  Some were real passions and some where confused realities.  Today I will rank my dream jobs in chronological order of when I wanted them.

1. Kindergarten/1st grade:  Lawyer.  I wanted to be lawyer during this time in my youth because I thought that they made the most money AND it was like the only job i really knew about outside of what my father did.

2. 2nd Grade: Guy on the back of the Garbage truck.  This guy was my idol when I was young.  I wanted to be him so badly because he could do all the things that I got in trouble for.  He had it all...no worries about breaking stuff, he got to throw things and make a mess, he was dirty and that was ok, he ran the trash compactor on the back of the garbage truck and most importantly he got to ride the truck by just hanging onto the back of the truck like some action hero.  Man, he had it all!

3. 3rd Grade:  An usher at our church.  I thought that these guys actually got to keep the money they collected during offering.  Plus, they only had to work one day a week for about an hour.  That seemed like the easiest job ever.

4. 6th Grade:  A stunt man.  These guys were the coolest guys on TV.  They actually got to be in the cars during the chase scenes and jumps during my favorite TV shows (The Dukes of Hazzard) that I watched every week.  Plus, they were tough, but didn't have to deal with the hassles of being famous or recognized in public.

5. 7th/8th Grade: Pro basketball player.  Um...obvious reasons here.  They played a game for millions of dollars!

6. Early High School: A Coach.  These guys were the distiguested men of sports.  They got the glory when the team won, they handled the losses with dignity and as a bonus they never got injured.  This was the adult way to have a profession in sports.

7. Late High School:  A teacher (finally something practical!).  This was performance with control.  Perfect for an actor, singer with type A personality.

8. College: Anything but a teacher.  Go figure on this one.

9. My first apartment: The gas company guy who gets paid $30 to flip a switch and turn on my gas.  I mean who has an easier job than this guy?  He sits there all day in front of a wall of switches and when he gets an address from the operator he walks over and flips the switch for that address.  And every time he does it he gets like $30.  Um....easy.

10. Post-Post-College: A professional Softball Player.  These guys get paid to drink beer between innings and play a sport without any of the pressures of actual pro athletes.  Um....where do I sign up?

11.   Current: Writing this blog!  Finally the perfect job....now if I could just pay rent with it ;)

Whatever your dreams or goals are, go get 'em fans!!

One Man's Money

Length of Shower: 11 min-- Money is the cornerstone of our society.  No matter how little I have or how much I try to avoid that sentiment, it really seems to be true.  Now I know that we are taught to value any life as priceless, but in a society that is constantly evaluating each person and their performance we have to get sucked up into the money of it all from time to time; and today was my day.  So I ask, how much is one man really worth?

I immediately start thinking of athletes who I feel are completely overpaid.  These guys play a game for a living.  Everyone's dream, I know.  But still, it's a game.  Short of entertainment these guys don't really bring anything of value to our society.  Don't get me wrong I love sports and I think these guys should be paid, but 10, 20, and 30 million dollars a year!?  A corner back for the Denver Broncos signed today for $11 million a year for 4 years.  He will only play between 16 and 20 games per year.  That seems like a lot of money, right?  But that is actually tame compared to some other athletes.  Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers makes over $24 million to play basketball.  Alex Rodriguez, of the New York Yankees, is the highest paid baseball player of all time and is in the middle of a contract worth $275 million dollars!  He makes over $169,000 per game...to play a sport!  And finally  Albert Pujols, of the St. Louis Cardnals is currently seeking a contract worth over $300 million dollars.  All this money for one person!?  There are entire countries that gross less than these people make.  Something is wrong with that, don't we think?

The astronomical amounts of salaries doesn't stop with athletes.  The highest paid CEO's in this country get between $18 and $84 million for one year.  These CEO's run all sorts of companies, some are relevant and needed in our society (Abbot Labs) and some that are arguably not (Wells Fargo).

I have no doubt that every one of these millionaires who make more than say $10 million a year work very hard at what they do.  My problem is that I just can't see how any one person can possibly actually MAKE a company or organization more than $10 million dollars.  How can you do something during the course of a day that profits a company more than $27,000 per day?  And even if a person could do that, that would only cover their one salary.  I know there are deals you can make with other companies and all that, but I'm talking about actually earning your paycheck everyday.  And what about all the people who work for them?  Aren't they actually the one's who are making the product that makes the company money?  The CEO is just an overseer of all that the company does.  Why should he/she get the lopsided amount of the money the company as a whole makes?  My point is that I don't believe any CEO or athlete can do enough in one day to rationalize getting paid that much money.

Maybe I'm coming at this from a very "blue collar" viewpoint, but so what.  This country was founded on blue collar workers.  There are people who make over $10 million a year that I don't have any problem with, like Bill Gates.  The guy created something that every one of us uses in our everyday life, computers.  I know he didn't create the actual computer, but he created a system so that the everyday person could use computers easily and to each of their advantages.  That, to me, is worth him getting a ton of money every year.  He created it, he developed it, he earned it.  He didn't just watch over it.

Now I could go on and on about this and open up lots of cans of worms and start splitting of hairs over who I feel should and shouldn't be making how much money, but that's not my point.  My point is that at  what point do we as a society say, "Enough is enough, no one is worth THAT?"  I say we start evaluating salary based on what you actually accomplish.  Teachers should get more money, and so should factory workers at medical facilities.  Those are the people who keep this world and country moving forward.  When is it their turn to get paid what they are worth?

Breaking the Bathroom Silence

Length of Shower: 22 min.--There are a certain set of unspoken and unwritten (to my knowledge) social rules to a men’s bathroom; I intend to reveal them right here for the first time ever.

1.            At all costs the speed and efficiency of a men’s bathroom is the top priority!  We must not ever give-in to making each other stand in lines for the bathroom like the women do.  We are more considerate to each other than that!

2.            When entering the bathroom you proceed as fast as you can to the urinal or toilet of your choice with little or no eye contact with anyone else.

3.            If you are using a urinal then choose the one furthest from the door so that men entering after you do not have to walk past a man who is already peeing.  Plus, you are assisting any newcomers in following rule number 2.

4.            Every man at one time or another has had “stage fright” when peeing in public.  It is ok.  After all, when you are in proximity of lots of other men with their pants down there is an inevitable feeling of awkwardness and manly competition going on and we all understand that.  Particularly when it comes to stadiums with large lines of men waiting anxiously for YOU to get done peeing so they can get their turn next.  In this instance I offer some small advice (no pun intended).  Think about swimming in a lake or standing next to Niagara Falls.  If that doesn’t work, then listen to the nearest toilet/urinal as it flushes.  Either of those should help you get started which, as we all know, is the hardest part.

5.            While using a urinal along a wall of urinals you should be quiet in 90% of your peeing.  The other 10% you are allowed to be “peeing loudly” (ie. Hitting the small puddle of water with your pee and making a small splashing sound) if you want but that is just to let other men in the restroom know that you are, in fact, not having “stage fright” at that moment.  It can be used as a silent announcement of sorts.

6.            There is no talking in a men’s bathroom!  That is unless you are awkwardly discussing one of these three things: Sports, the weather, or a scantily dressed woman in the establishment.  Example, “Did you see the breasts on that girl at the end of the bar?  They’re almost falling out of her dress.  You should check it out.”  But even this should be done before or after the actual peeing.  There should be no talking at all while you are peeing.

7.            When using a urinal along a wall of two or more urinals your eyes and head should remain in one of two positions.  Either down at your own business (which I recommend if you have had a lot to drink) or straight ahead at the wall in front of you.  If there are ads or newspapers on that wall to look at, then good for you, but if there aren’t then by all means stare straight ahead as if there are!  At no time should you ever look down at your neighbor’s “business” or anywhere other than the two locations stated above! (NOTE: The ceiling is also an acceptable place to look, but that’s just weird to do)

8.            If a gentleman is using a toilet and you recognize his shoes beneath the stall you are to ignore any and all knowledge of what you hear or smell.  No matter what!

9.            Washing of your hands is mandatory unless it will slow down the process of other men getting into the bathroom.  (See rule #1)

10.            When washing your hands the use of soap is preferred but completely optional.  The more important thing is to rub your hands under water for at least, or more like approximately, 20 seconds.

11.            When drying your hands the use of paper towels is preferred over the use of blowers because of speed.  (See rule #1)

12.            “Primping” in the mirror as a woman would do is not allowed for more than 3 seconds.  If you can’t fix your hair or appearance in less than that time then you are probably better fit for the women’s restroom.  (Also: See rule #1)

13.            When exiting the men’s restroom you are passing through a vortex of confidentiality.  You are not allowed to reveal anything that happened while in the restroom no matter what!  You will answer all questions about your experience there with the status quo, “Nothing.  It was fine.” 

Sleeping Awake

Length of Shower: 4 min--I have often wondered about eyes while sleeping.  Like the whole cartoon thing when they lift the eyelid of someone sleeping; would that really not wake him or her up?  And if it didn’t wake them up, then what would they see?  Would what their eye saw be put into the dream they were having?  I just don’t know.   I feel like if someone lifted my eyelids while I was sleeping I would wake up.  But then again, if I HAD stayed asleep when someone did that to me I wouldn’t remember so how would I ever know?  Hmm….I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for that ever happening.

Low Wages

Length of Shower: 6 min--The dollar bill is becoming, if it hasn’t already without us noticing, the lowest form of money we have.  “Loose change” as we know it is already becoming extinct.  Am I the only one who still picks up loose change off the ground anymore?  Did you know that most bars don’t even deal with change at this point; it’s all rounded to the nearest dollar.  In a while all stores and restaurants will be like that I suspect.  Pennies don’t even exist any more, except to me.  The poverty-stricken in the ghettos throw pennies at each other for fun; that’s how worthless they have become.  I can walk by the projects in a major city and find more pennies on the ground than if I went across town to the wealthy side.  Is that because the wealthy actually value loose change and the poor don’t, or is it because the wealthy have the money to keep their streets and sidewalks clean?  I don’t know, but it seems like it’s only a matter of time before all change is treated like the poor penny.  Maybe we should start collecting our pennies and loose change so it will be worth something as a collector’s item someday.  Hmm, maybe?  Actually, if we all teamed up and...oh look, a penny!

The Quick and the Clean

Length of Shower: 2 min. --Today I woke up late and had to rush to make my first appointment of the day. So, my shower time got cut way down.  I showered and cleaned all of my body in under 2 minutes!  How you may ask?  The answer may surprise you.

While rushing to clean my body in the warm shower this morning, I found myself trying to figure out how to efficiently keep track of everything I was cleaning.  That's when an old, children's song came into my head and proved to be an effective tool for keeping track of my many body parts and their cleanliness.

Sing it with me now!  "Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.  Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.  Eyes and ears and mouth and nose; head, shoulder, knees and toes, knees and toes."

And then the song was in my head the rest of the day!  Ha,ha...can't win 'em all, but at least I was clean :)

The Mysterious Bernard (Part 1)

Length of Shower: 19min --

Today I thought up the fictional story of Bernard.  Check it out and tell me what you think.

Bernard was a 35 yr old college student still living in the dorms at my old college.  He was tall and lanky.  Bald, but wore a long, brown beard.  He was very introverted and quiet.  He had no friends and was always seen by himself.  Apparently he had been going to school there for something like 15years, and that whole time he lived in the dorms.  Same room: Holling Hall number 3L.  The last room at the end of the hall on the 3^rd floor.  He was nice and would always say “Hi” to people in a quiet and apologetic way; but he was a creepy loner.  No one ever talked to him, but he was talked about a lot!  Whenever you needed a discussion topic, Bernard could be counted on to spur everyone’s theories.  One of the most talked about theories was what his room looked like and what he did in there for hours on end.

My junior year I was an RA in the same dorm as Bernard.  It took 6 months, but I finally got up the courage to do what I never should have done.  It was a cold night in late February and I followed Bernard to his room.  After waiting outside in the hall for about 45minutes gathering my courage, I finally took the master key and inserted it into the lock on room 3L.  Fearing the worst (Bernard holding an axe and cutting me to bits and feeding on my remains for weeks), I slowly opened the door. 

What was on the other side was not as gruesome as I imagined, but rather it was perplexing.  The room had no beds, mirrors, shelves, TV’s, dressers or any furniture at all save for one small desk and a hard folding chair in the far corner near the window.  Taped to the walls with faded yellow masking tape were countless sheets of notebook paper that had random notes from every class over the last 15 years.  On every inch of the tile floor were rows and columns of neatly stacked papers that came waist-high except for a narrow walkway leading from the door to the desk and from the desk to the lone closet in the other far corner. 

I quickly realized that Bernard wasn’t in the room.  I know that I followed him here, but there was no sign of the hairy-faced, bald man anywhere.

I carefully shuffled my way to the closet, being mindful not to disturb the multitude of paper stacks reaching for my waist and thighs and screaming to be free of the room.  The brown paneled, accordion-like closet door was closed, but not locked.  I opened it a smidge to peak inside, afraid I would find a quiet Bernard hanging from a noose.  What I found was more confounding than the paperful room.  I opened the door to its full aperture and revieled the closet was empty.  No clothes, no shoes, no jackets, no paper, and no Bernard.  Nothing in the roomy closet.  Why?  Why not put some paper in there if that is all he has in his life?  I turned to leave the room, and that’s when I noticed it.  A brief breeze of cold night air.  I turned back around and used my hand to feel where the breeze was coming from.  I followed my hand and found the air was coming from the back corner of the closet. 

I entered the closest and pushed the back wall with a quick but strong shove.  It swung open easily into the night revealing a spiral staircase leading to the ground at the back of the large dormitory building.  I descended the staircase quickly with the anticipation of finding something truly amazing at the bottom.  But when I got to the last step I was standing on the frozen ground alone in the dark winter night.  Scanning my surroundings and seeing mostly tall grass before the line of trees that made out the forest that our campus bordered, I saw that there was a small path worn down by frequent steps of a human; Bernard.  Looking ahead the path made a beeline for the forest.  Seeking escape from the cold, I followed the path in haste. 

After a brief walk into the forest I saw where the path ended. An abandoned car sat snug among the tall trees.  It was an older car, something from the 70’s.  Maybe a Chevy Nova?  I’m not great with cars, but this was an older, ordinary and roomy 4-door sedan type thing.  There were no lights inside, so I crept up as quietly as possible.  The hood was opened just enough that I could make out there was no engine inside of it.  The front seat was a solid bench and had no steering wheel.  Instead, it was full of a mess of clothes and shoes I assume were Bernard’s.  I made my way along the side of the rusty contraption to peer into the backseat.  There I saw Bernard. 

He was sleeping quietly in his full-length pajamas and curled up in the fetal position.  For the first time he didn’t seem creepy to me.  He seemed like a peaceful child.  I scanned to the far end of the back seat near his feet and saw several blankets folded neatly but not used.  That’s when the scariest thing of my life happened.  Bernard opened his eyes and looked right at me!  I froze.  He said nothing as we froze for several seconds staring at each other long enough for me to have the thought that maybe he didn’t see me.  That’s when he said, “Hi.”  I was spooked and ran!  

I never spoke of that event again, to anyone.  Bernard disappeared from campus a couple of weeks later and it was rumored that he either died, or was living well in a third world country somewhere.  No one really knew for sure what happened to him, but I wish him well wherever he is.  

Bicycle Bus

Length of Shower: 8 min.--The other day I saw a woman struggling to put a bicycle onto a bicycle holder attached to the front of a bus.  And that got me thinking about how many times I have seen someone on a subway or public bus and they had a bike with them.  I kind-of understand this, but on the other hand I think, "What the heck?"  I mean these people have a bike with them but they are not using it.  Do you drag along your car if you aren't going to drive it?  Do you buy and airline ticket when you know you're going to drive there anyway?  No, so why are these people riding a bus when they have a bike with them!?  Call me crazy but I think that bike's are for riding.  Maybe they just want to carry an extra large and very awkward piece of metal with them as they trounce around town with something twice the size of themselves.  Or maybe they just thought they could make it a LOT farther then they actually could and so they had to stop and take the "ride of shame" on the bus home; in short, they are out of shape.  Of course, it's possible they just want to piss off the rest of the people on the bus by taking up four seats, but I choose not to believe that.  


I know they are probably taking the bike to some park or pathway where they can ride their bike in a comfortable setting, but again I say, why can't they ride their BIKE to the path?  That's what bikes are for people!  They are for riding.  Not carrying, or walking beside, or looking at, or taking up space, but for riding.  So, ride those bicycles people and save the public transportation for when you are actually going somewhere useful...like the library.   


In conclusion….hello!  you have a bike, use it!

Valentines Day

Length of Shower: 6 min --  Some Valentine's Day Thoughts.

1. Love is patient.  Patients are hurt people.  Therefore Love hurts people?
2. God is love.  Love is Blind.  Therefore Ray Charles is God?

Short.  Sweet.  On point.  Just like this day :)

You Snooze, You Looze

Length of Shower: 15 minutes--Today I woke up very early because of an early appointment.  I don't like to wake up early.  I like to sleep until I naturally wake up because my body and mind have gotten enough sleep.  This is also the reason I don't like to use snooze.  Snooze seems to defeat the purpose of sleeping.  Snooze, by it's purpose, it a sleep interrupter.  Why would you want to interrupt your own sleep?  I have no idea, but still snooze exists, and this morning I used it.

Which lead me to think about the length of time that snooze is automatically set.  9 minutes.  Why 9 minutes?  Where in the world does 9 minutes come from?  Is there a science to it, or is it just random?  I think it's just random.  I understand the power nap of 20 minutes because I read somewhere that 20 minutes is the least amount of sleep you need to go through all the sleep stages and therefore make the "nap" worthwhile.  But then what the heck is snooze set at 9 minutes for?  Why not an even 5 minutes or 10 minutes?  And why not an actual EVEN number like 8 or 6?  Someone please respond and tell me where the 9 minutes of snoozes come from.  Really, someone please tell me....I'll give you, um...9 minutes to respond.

The Perfect Food

Length of Shower: 30 minutes or less -- I admit it, I love pizza.  But really, who doesn't?  I mean it's kinda like the perfect food.  It is round, which makes it unique not only among food but also in geometric terms because it has no sides or edges.  Yet when you cut it to serve it becomes a triangle, which I am told is the best shape for building anything.  But the triangle also makes it super easy to eat because that first bite fits perfectly in any size mouth!  Speaking of eating, that is another aspect that makes it so wonderful.  You can eat pizza with a fork or with your hands and no one on any social level will judge you for it either way.  Pizza can be eaten without judgement for any meal at any time.  You can eat it for lunch, dinner, or even for breakfast.  Pizza can be enjoyed while in an atmospheric environment, like Chuckie Cheese, or can be delivered in a number of ways right to your door.  See!

Also, maybe the best thing about pizza, you can put any toppings on pizza and it works for any diet.  You love to pack on the meat?  Perfect, there is the meat lover's pizza.  You dont' eat meat?  No problem, there is the all veggie pizza.  You like a little of both?  Great, because we can place both meat and veggies on the same pizza!  How about if you want seafood?  We have that too, just add some anchovies.  No matter what your taste or preference, pizza can solve all your dietary needs and desires.  "What about gluten free?" you say.  While that is tougher it can still be done.  That's right, you can find gluten free pizza crusts in most super markets and it can be enjoyed at places like UNO Pizzaria.  Yup, pizza is the perfect food, period.

So let me get this straight for clarity sake.  Pizza is perfect because you can eat it at anytime of the day and with any social class, you can eat pizza with utensils or with your hands, it fits perfectly in any size mouth, and it comes in geometrically friendly shapes.  Pizza can serve any diet at any time and can even be delivered right to your door.  What food can top that?  None my friends, because pizza is the perfect food!  Now, I'm hungry, where did I put those pizza menus?

Feet Washing...it's a dangerous endeavor

Length of Shower: 9ish min.--How many times a week do you wash your feet?  I thought so….you haven’t washed them this whole week have you?  I admit that most of the time I don’t get down to washing my feet.  I figure, “Hey, they get dripped on.  They’re fine.”  So I only wash my feet about once a week.  But that’s not being lazy, that’s being safe.  See, I think that feet washing in the shower is one of the most dangerous things a person can do in a day.  Think about it.  You are standing on one foot in a small room with only 3 walls (most of the time) and that entire room is covered in nature’s lubricant: Water.  Then you are adding an even slipperier substance, soap, to each foot one at a time while your hands are NOT free to support you because they are doing the cleaning!  This is dangerous people!  I bet all those “household accidents” that occur every year would be drastically reduced if we would all stop washing our feet in the shower.  But alas, we are perhaps an overly clean American society and so we feel the need to wash our feet too often. 

I like to call the day of the week when I wash my feet: “Danger Day.”  My designated “Danger Day” is normally Tuesday or Wednesday because that way if I slip and fall and hurt myself I have several days to recover before the weekend….plus those are the most boring days of the week so they need all the help they can get.  But feet washing isn’t the only thing I do on “Danger Day.”  I also take that day to actually walk around with my wallet in my back pocket, tempting those would be muggers out there.  One time I took true advantage of my “Danger Day” and tried to feed a raw steak to my neighbor’s dog, Rusty.  He was tied to his tree in my neighbor’s backyard per normal, and he was sleeping.  I tip-toed into the yard (up wind so he wouldn’t smell the steak) and very quietly laid the raw steak across his food bowl.  I saw him start to wake up and I ran for it, but he barked and ran after me and got a hold of my pant leg.  I jerked my pants out of his mouth and pointed at the steak as I screamed like a little girl.  He saw the steak and ran over to it and I made my get-away.   That was a close one for me.  I have never tempted a miniature poodle like that ever again…and the thing is he didn’t even eat the steak!


I'm not saying you have to take that much of a risk on your own personal "Danger Day", but I am saying that we all need to take a good long look at how often we wash our own feet.  And then maybe consider taking a day or two off from washing them too often.  Or in my friend Joe's case, consider washing them period.  Whatever you need to do, just consider the dangers involved in washing your feet in the shower and then wash them accordingly.  Happy Danger Day!!

Shampoo vs. Conditioner

Length of Shower: 7 min--I consider myself a smart person, but I don’t understand how shampoo or conditioner works.  I mean how can something make my hair softer or smoother, or more curly or less curly, or more or less hydrated?  Hair is dead.  The same thing with fingernails.  I know that there is stuff out there that promises to make fingernails stronger and grow faster.  How?  They are dead, people!  I mean I get how my hair grows and so it needs to be cut, but how can you make it softer?  Cavemen didn’t have shampoo.   So, really shampoo just makes our hair LOOK healthy.  Ah ha!  I bet the same people who prepare dead bodies are the one’s who brought shampoo onto the market.  They discovered some ‘special soap’ that made dead people look more alive and then they thought, “Hey, what is something that’s dead that all people have?  Hair!”  And then they sold it to us with a funny name and went on to make millions, right?  They probably have tons of secrets they are holding from us and just waiting for the right time to release them to the world.  Or maybe they feel they got burned when they released the ultimate product for research to a guy named Jesus the day before he raised Lazarus from the dead.  Jesus got all the credit and they didn’t so now they are gun shy about letting us in on the other products.  Now they have a secret society keeping all their secrets hidden until the “right time”; whenever that is.  I bet they are watching me write this right now and I will be dead before the day is out just so they can keep it secret.  Or maybe I’ve seen too many suspense/thriller/conspiracy movies……na, that can’t be it.

Super Bowl Day

Length of shower: 9 min.--Today is a special day to almost all sports fans.  Today is Super Bowl Sunday!! This is the most important day in the American calendar that isn't a holiday...or at least not officially a holiday.  And while I would argue that this day needs to be made into a holiday, I will save that argument for another time.  Instead, I am going to talk about today in a way that most sports fans refuse to accept, but definitely feel, about this special Sunday in February.  Superbowl Sunday is bittersweet, my friends.

See, today marks the final event of the sports calendar.  The sports calendar begins with March Madness, the final two weeks of March, and ends with the Superbowl on the first Sunday in February.  All the great American sports run between those two pillars of strength.  College football, major league baseball, the NBA finals, the NHL finals, the PGA tour, and even every 4 years the Summer Olympics.  But unlike New Year's Eve which is followed directly by the beginning of another year; the sports calendar enters into a period of vague nothingness starting tomorrow and not picking up again for almost 6 long weeks!   So, while this day is wonderful in that it is the climax of all things great in sports happening for an ecstatic 4 hours of beer drinking, yelling, screaming, texting to get your pool numbers, and high-fiveing with friends; it is followed almost immediately by the 6 longest and boringest weeks in all of sports.  Oh, I know that during those weeks there is still NBA and NHL regular season games going all.  And that College basketball is happening every few days also.  But all of those are in the middle of their too long seasons and there is no "playoff push" happening yet and so therefore no drama...which is why we all watch sports to begin with.  So much like the male orgasm, the entire sports year leads to this one, wonderful game between two of the best in a truly American form of violence and beauty.  And while the lead up and the game itself is so very often worth it, don't forget that the let down can last a long time.  So, live it up tonight America...the slow painful aftermath is waiting on the other side, and it can drag.

The Simple Fence Post

Length of Shower: 13 min.--Sometimes I envy inanimate objects.  Like a fence post.  Not any fence post but one on the corner of a field and on top of a hill somewhere in the Midwest.  Not only does that fence post not have to worry about material needs like food and clothes (it’s naked and beautiful), but its life is longer than mine.  I like to think it was there before I was born and it will most likely be there long after I die.  But other than that, just let your mind wonder about everything it gets to see!  It gets to sit there on that hill and soak up the warmth of a day when the sun is perfect in the bright blue sky in October, while the fields smell of freshly harvested corn or wheat and the trees are starting to turn those beautiful and vibrant colors.  It also gets to see the wonder of a thunderstorm roll in from miles away and then rumble the ground beneath its foot with it’s great crackling thunders when it gets overhead.  Or in winter when no human or machine is around our fence post gets to marvel at the beauty of the perfectly fallen snow covering the rolling hills around it with that crisp white blanket of innocence.  No footprints or slushy roads or kids throwing snowballs.  Just the perfect snowy scenery untouched by man.  Ah, to be something simple like a fence post.  No politics, no money, no complicated workplace drama; just the simple joys of the earth.  Sometimes I think that would be nice.

The Evening "Quickie"

Length of Shower: Quick 6 min.--Taking a shower before going out on the town is important, but is it necessary?  I think this depends on the night lying ahead.  

To take the shower or not to take the shower; that is the question.  

Are you going out by yourself?  No shower needed.

Are you going to a movie with your close friends? No shower needed. 

Are you going on a first, second or third date with someone?  Yes, take the shower!  

Are you headed to a club to dance the night away?  No.  Surprised?  Here's why; because you will just end up becoming sweaty in an hour at the club anyway.  

What about double date with another couple?  Um…I would have to say shower just because you never know if it could lead to some close or intimate moments like all of you squeezing into a car/cab/restaurant booth together or a game of strip poker or something like that.  

Are you going to be meeting the President of the United States?  Maybe.... that depends on whether you voted for him or not.

Are you meeting up with some hippies in Golden Gate Park?  Definitely no shower needed.

Are you meeting up with your in-laws for an intimate dinner?  Well, do you like your in-laws?  Actually, either way you should probably shower for that type of dinner.  

Finally, what if you are going out by yourself but might meet up with people later?  Then, I will leave that up to your own judgment (but my advice would be yes, take the shower). 

No matter what your plans are the most important thing is always remember to have a stellar, legendary, unforgettable, good time…with our without a shower!

"Dealing" in Taxes

Length of Shower: 6 min.--It’s that time of year when I finally realize it is actually a new year, and so I was thinking today about my taxes.  And then I thought about drug dealers; random, I know.  But I was wondering about those big SUV’s they drive and how much those must cost.  Expensive, right!  Now surely driving one of those goes along with your chosen profession also, don't you think?  So, I was wondering, do they get to write that off on their taxes?  And while they’re at it, how about all that gas those things guzzle; do they write that off too?  And those massive stereos they play loudly while cruising the ‘hood?  If I were a drug dealer I would totally write that off.  Heck, I’d write all that stuff off.  Let’s face it, that stuff is expensive and is obviously part of the job.  But wait!  What profession do they claim to be on their tax forms?  Obviously they can't claim "drug dealer."  So, are they listed as “public servant” or maybe “community mentor” or even some kind of “minister” since drugs can be arguably a “religious experience,” right?  How about “neighborhood entertainer?”  Hmmm, I wonder about these things.  Of course on second thought they probably just list themselves as “self employed” on all forms of government paperwork and write everything off as a business expense.  Yea, that makes more sense.

A "Holiday?" Really?

Length of shower: unimportant. what is important is if I actually got wet!--Today is what the nerdy of nerds call a holiday; that's right it's Groundhog Day.  Today I thought and pondered on this special day and why it is even mentioned or brought up on a calendar.  It's the day we all wait in anticipation for an animal that most of us never see in our lifetime (have you ever seen a real groundhog?) to tell us if winter is over or if it will continue for 6 more weeks.  Now, maybe I'm weird but I can tell all that by pretty much looking outside each day and judging for myself.  This day seems as logical to me as that lone farmer who is starting to plant seed months ahead of everyone else.  He fights against the hard and still frozen ground and struggles to get the seeds deep enough into the hard earth.  When you ask him why he is doing it he says, "because the almanac says it's time to plant."  Really?  When did we stop making our own judgements and start listening to a book or (worse) animal to tell us how to live?

I looked up the weather today in Punxsutawney, PA (where the famous Groundhog lives) and it is "snowy, rainy, and windy with a high of 32 and a low of 12.  The 'feel like' temperature is 22 degrees."  Um, call me crazy but I don't know any hibernating animal that would come out of his home, much less see his shadow, in weather like that.  They must have used one heck of a cattle prod to get "Punxsy Phil" out of his hole so he could not see his shadow.

And that's another thing that doesn't make any sense to me about this day, the philosophy itself is all backwards.  According to the belief, if the groundhog sees his shadow then that means there is 6 more weeks of winter and if he doesn't see his shadow it means that spring is coming early.  So, you are telling me that if there is a lot of sun (he sees his shadow) on this special day then we get more winter, and if there is no sun then we get less winter?  That makes no sense!  It should be the opposite!  Sun is warmth and goodness and the true sign of spring, but by this backwards holiday's rituals the sun means more snow and cold and sun-less days ahead.  That doesn't make any sense.  This holiday actually defies logic!

Ok, wait a second.  I have a very open mind and so I will consider for a moment the possibility of all this groundhog shadow stuff.  After all, a squid in Germany accurately predicted 95% of the world cup games this past year so I guess maybe a groundhog could predict the weather.  How accurate has this Groundhog been?  39% accurate!?  And people still buy into this stuff?  I mean my local weather guy isn't great but I think he is more accurate than 39%!  By school terms you aren't just failing you are riding the short bus.  Only 39%, really?

Ah, but wait again.  I've got it!  I look above and re-read my point about the philosophy of groundhog day and a small light goes off in my head.  What if I am right and the whole thing really IS backwards?  What if the groundhog is fine, but since he can't speak English he can't explain that it is the people around him who have it backwards?  The philosophy is off, but the groundhog is right after all.  If that were the case then he would be 61% accurate.  Still not great but a whole lot better than 39%.  I get it now!  We should trust the opposite of what the ritual says and therefore trust the logic in front of us.  If the sun is out on Feb. 2nd then there is a 61% chance that spring is coming early and if, like today, the sun is not out then there is a 61% chance that winter will be around for a while longer.

So the groundhog CAN help us in predicting the future after all!  Oh, thank you Punxsutawney Phil.  Thank you Groundhog day!

Love or Money?

Length of Shower: 12min.--I often think in the shower about the movie Ocean’s Eleven.  Not Ocean’s twelve or thirteen, because I never saw those, but Ocean’s Eleven.  I don’t know why, but it just happens across my brain while I’m showering.  Maybe it’s because of all the cameras in that casino and I feel like there might be a camera watching me shower.  I don’t know.  Anyway, sometimes I think about how relaxed and fun the actor’s all were on that film, or about how truly complex the scam was to get all that money.  But today I thought about the climax of the movie and how Danny Ocean offers $182 million dollars to the casino head Terry Benedict (played brilliantly by Andy Garcia) in exchange for the woman Tess.  Of course Tess sees all this happen and so she leaves Terry for Danny.  But what gets me is that for $182 million I’m pretty sure I could live happily and find someone else.  No offense to my girlfriend, or to any future wives who may read this, but if someone offers any of you $182 million dollars to let ME go I am telling you right now to take the money!  I don’t think this makes me shallow, or even greedy.  Think about it; that would cover probably 10 generations of extravagant living!  So, really you are exchanging ME for the happiness of an entire family tree full of relatives.  So really, it is a self-LESS decision.  See my point? 

Of course men will see my point and women will think I’m shallow and greedy and don’t understand love (which is totally not true).  Well, I guess that’s another one of the differences between men and women.  Not that men don’t understand love, but that men will understand what I’m getting at and women just won’t.  And I guess that’s ok.