Length of Shower: 22 min.--There are a certain set of unspoken and unwritten (to my knowledge) social rules to a men’s bathroom; I intend to reveal them right here for the first time ever.
1. At all costs the speed and efficiency of a men’s bathroom is the top priority! We must not ever give-in to making each other stand in lines for the bathroom like the women do. We are more considerate to each other than that!
2. When entering the bathroom you proceed as fast as you can to the urinal or toilet of your choice with little or no eye contact with anyone else.
3. If you are using a urinal then choose the one furthest from the door so that men entering after you do not have to walk past a man who is already peeing. Plus, you are assisting any newcomers in following rule number 2.
4. Every man at one time or another has had “stage fright” when peeing in public. It is ok. After all, when you are in proximity of lots of other men with their pants down there is an inevitable feeling of awkwardness and manly competition going on and we all understand that. Particularly when it comes to stadiums with large lines of men waiting anxiously for YOU to get done peeing so they can get their turn next. In this instance I offer some small advice (no pun intended). Think about swimming in a lake or standing next to Niagara Falls. If that doesn’t work, then listen to the nearest toilet/urinal as it flushes. Either of those should help you get started which, as we all know, is the hardest part.
5. While using a urinal along a wall of urinals you should be quiet in 90% of your peeing. The other 10% you are allowed to be “peeing loudly” (ie. Hitting the small puddle of water with your pee and making a small splashing sound) if you want but that is just to let other men in the restroom know that you are, in fact, not having “stage fright” at that moment. It can be used as a silent announcement of sorts.
6. There is no talking in a men’s bathroom! That is unless you are awkwardly discussing one of these three things: Sports, the weather, or a scantily dressed woman in the establishment. Example, “Did you see the breasts on that girl at the end of the bar? They’re almost falling out of her dress. You should check it out.” But even this should be done before or after the actual peeing. There should be no talking at all while you are peeing.
7. When using a urinal along a wall of two or more urinals your eyes and head should remain in one of two positions. Either down at your own business (which I recommend if you have had a lot to drink) or straight ahead at the wall in front of you. If there are ads or newspapers on that wall to look at, then good for you, but if there aren’t then by all means stare straight ahead as if there are! At no time should you ever look down at your neighbor’s “business” or anywhere other than the two locations stated above! (NOTE: The ceiling is also an acceptable place to look, but that’s just weird to do)
8. If a gentleman is using a toilet and you recognize his shoes beneath the stall you are to ignore any and all knowledge of what you hear or smell. No matter what!
9. Washing of your hands is mandatory unless it will slow down the process of other men getting into the bathroom. (See rule #1)
10. When washing your hands the use of soap is preferred but completely optional. The more important thing is to rub your hands under water for at least, or more like approximately, 20 seconds.
11. When drying your hands the use of paper towels is preferred over the use of blowers because of speed. (See rule #1)
12. “Primping” in the mirror as a woman would do is not allowed for more than 3 seconds. If you can’t fix your hair or appearance in less than that time then you are probably better fit for the women’s restroom. (Also: See rule #1)
13. When exiting the men’s restroom you are passing through a vortex of confidentiality. You are not allowed to reveal anything that happened while in the restroom no matter what! You will answer all questions about your experience there with the status quo, “Nothing. It was fine.”
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