Length of Shower: both long and short at the same time --Hair is weird. It is. It makes no sense really...at least not to me.
For example, the other day I was casually looking at the hair on my forearm during a commercial break of a basketball game. And that's when I noticed this unusually long hair right in the middle of my forearm. I mean it was so long I could wrap it around my finger...twice! But why was it there and how did I not notice this giant among all my normal length hairs before? Did it spring up over night? Have I just been neglecting to look at my forearms? So, I looked at my other forearm and that was fine, until my eyes wondered to my upper arm and there I found not only one strangely long hair, but it was right next to a small white bald patch. What?! What is going on with my hair?
I started to panic and have flashbacks to all the Werewolf and Teen Wolf movies I've seen. I ran to the bathroom, flipped on the light and smacked my nose up close to the mirror. I looked myself in the eyes to search for signs of yellowing or dilation. Nothing. My eyes were fine. I checked my ears for signs of weird growth. Nothing either. But wait, what is that hair? Another long and out of place hair growing on the tip of one of my ears. Why? Why do my ears suddenly after all these years need to have hair on them? I get more confused as I check my other ear. What!? Now I have long hairs, two of them, coming from within my ear? Why? Why do my ear canals have to be coated in long, useless hairs suddenly? Maybe I AM becoming a wolf. It's just taking longer than in the movies, a LOT longer.
My search continues up to my head, but things become more confusing. If I'm becoming a wolf and my body is slowly covering itself with hair, then why am I becoming bald? Yes, I suddenly notice that my hairline is backing off from my forehead. It is actually receding. Like an army retreating in fear of something. Why? And as look to where they could be retreating I realize it is to nowhere, because I'm a little balder in the back of my head too. I'm getting balder in the very spot that seems to be the origin of all the hair on my head. Why? Why am I getting hair where I don't need hair and losing it where I need it? I'm so confused.
So, back into the mirror I go searching for answers to this hair follicle debacle. That's when I notice that losing or gaining hair isn't the only problem but now they are changing colors too! What? Why is the hair on the side of my head turning a grayish silver? That color isn't even natural is it? Where did that color come from? Nothing else on my body is that color. Why? Why now? I'm so confused about this hair business.
I stare into my own eyes looking for some sort of answers or peace, but there it is again. Just above my eyes there is a combination of all these issues gathered in one small and very noticeable place smack on my face! My eyebrows have both long and short hairs some of which are silver or grey and at the edges I can see where hair used to be but is no longer! What is happening to me? Is this why old people go insane? Because they search for answers to this aging problem and only find more aging problems? Oh where will it all end?
In a panic I tear off my clothes to examine the rest of the hair on my body and there I finally find some solace. My leg hairs seem to all be in place and of the correct color and are laying there in a light covering on my legs and seem at peace. I slowly calm down as I draw peace from their contentment. And that is when the answer comes to me. I know what I must do for the rest of my days. I will go on with my life wearing a ski mask and hat with a long sleeved shirt a pair of comfortable boxer shorts and flip flop sandals. That way the world will only ever see the best hairy parts of me and I will be able to walk with pride knowing that the grey and silver and bald and long hairs are all covered up and safe. Yes, that is what I will do. Ha! I have defeated you and your weirdness you hairy hairs. What do you think about that?
Wait, is that an ingrown hair on the tip of my knee? What!?????!!?
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