Holding Back

Length of Shower: Remind me again why I should wait to use the soap? --I have several friends who are currently dating.  And, in fact, I am dating right now as well.  And I'm suddenly hearing all this talk about "holding back" in the early stages of dating.  But what I don't get, is why exactly you would do that.

I understand what "holding back" is.  It is a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt.  So we "hold back" and "play nice" and are "on our best behavior" with whomever it is we start dating.  It's natural.  We have the intention of revealing bits and pieces of ourselves slowly over time and that way if things go south we can feel protected in some way because "well, at least I didn't share that part of me."  "Holding back" is also a nice way of saying, "this isn't all that I am.  I'm really a very complicated and beautiful person inside so please don't leave me too early or you will miss out on all the great stuff that I am 'holding back' on right now."  But is that really what any of us are doing?  Aren't we slowly revealing ourselves little by little by just hanging out repeatedly with this new person anyway?  I would argue that you are doing what you want whether you like it or not.  The only thing is that by over analyzing yourself and whatever it is you THINK you are "holding back" you are actually just complicating a rather simple process that we all innately know how to do essentially from birth. All we are doing is getting in our own way from being ourselves.  And isn't that what you want to be able to be while hanging out with this new person and possible life partner?  Yes.  We all want to be ourselves with that special someone.  So, by holding back you are actually doing a dis-service to the future relationship we are all after.

Look, we can all agree that the longer you are in a relationship the harder it is to break it off.  I have a friend who just got out of a 1-year relationship and it was a hard break-up, as they all are for both parties.  He was "called out" for not being honest and true to himself and her in the relationship; and when he looked at himself and how he had been with her he had to agree that he was not being his true self...he was "holding back" because of being hurt in a previous relationship.  In another case from a while back, I was dating a girl for over two years when she broke up with me.  She stated that she was never really comfortable with me and she never felt like she was herself around me.  She was, for over two years, "holding back."  "Holding back" only prolongs the truth about a relationship making the eventual breakup harder in the end.  "Holding back" ourselves from a future partner is actually cowardly.  It is hiding from the truth and basically lieing to them and ourselves about who we are.  It is being scared that this relationship could actually be as wonderful and amazing as we want it to be.  I've done it.  We've all done it.

As I stated above, I understand why we do it, but I'm making a stand and saying "Enough!"  No more "holding back" or over analyzing or telling ourselves that the "time isn't right to reveal (blank) about myself."  No more!  Life is too short to not be ourselves. It's not fair to the person we are dating, or engaged to, or even married to.  It isn't fair to our future children, and it's definitely not fair to ourselves.  I'm not saying to reveal your happiest moment ever while sitting in a pew a at funeral, but use your common sense.

Now I'm also not saying that we should all go out on a first date reveal all our deepest, darkest secrets to anyone who will listen.  There is something wonderful about peeling back the layers of yourself like an onion as apposed to spilling everything about yourself in one sitting like cutting into a jelly donut.  After all, you need to also listen and learn about the person across the table from you as well.  And in that listening don't you expect them to be honest and forthright about who they are as well?  So why are we expecting something from them that we aren't bringing to the table ourselves?  And if you are both holding back that's even worse because then you are just dueling with each other daring the other person to "show their hand" first.  That can't ever lead to good things.

So, how do we be honest and share ourselves without doing it all at once?  What I'm saying is that if the moment to reveal something bubbles up inside you, be true to that.  Don't let your brain get in the way.  The other night I was sitting on the couch with this woman I have been seeing for just over a month.  We were watching TV and I felt the urge to actually snuggle.  But instead of scooting closer and pulling her in tighter I sat there and said, "no, no, I'm normally not a big snuggler so I dont' want to give the wrong impression of myself."  What?  Why?  I had to tell myself to stop over analyzing and just be true to the moment.  I pulled her close and she loved it.  No harm done and in the process I was being true to myself and the moment.  A win-win.

There is a phrase out there that has some truth to it, "Love like you've never been hurt."  I believe that is the only way to love, and the only way to find love in return.  I believe that the heart always loves like that but it's our brain playing the part of the over-protective parent that gets in the way and starts complicating things and telling us to "hold back, you don't want to scare them off like the last person."  We are perhaps a society that over thinks almost everything.  And maybe that's why finding true love can seem to be as hard as ever.  But what if we just get out of our own way, stop hiding pieces of ourselves, start having the courage to be who we are inside from the very beginning, and stop "holding back"?  I think if we can start doing that the possibilities, the friendships, and the love relationships will become deeper, less hurtful, and more meaningful than we ever dreamt possible.  What do we have to lose but more time and more pain? Take a chance, be yourself!