Phrases that are Lost in Translation

Length of Shower: Men translate this as time actually spent in the shower while woman think of it as the total amount of time spent in the bathroom --I have come to realize that men and women, in general, translate different words and phrases to mean different things.  Below is a short list of some of my discoveries in this area.

MOM WARNING: MOM, STOP READING HERE. READ FURTHER AT YOUR OWN RISK

Phrase: "just a minute"
Woman Translation: More than 5 minutes and less than 45 minutes
Man Translation: 1 to 3 minutes

Phrase: "Vacation"

Woman Translation: A nice time spent in a foreign country going to museums and looking at historic buildings and ruins and catching some rays of sun on the beach while meeting interesting old couples who have been married for 60 years.

Man Translation:  Time away from work where I can drink and lay around and do basically nothing.

Phrase: "going to see family"

Woman Translation: I must get my hair done and nails done and look my best for my (or his) mother so she doesn't judge me too harshly.  Also, we should come bearing gifts for anyone in our family under the age of 15 so they think we are the greatest Aunt and Uncle in the world and thus I can make my siblings (or sibling-in-law) look bad as parents

Man Translation:  Sweet!  I get to have a beer with my dad and brothers.  OR....Oh CRAP!  we are seeing HER family?

Phrase:  "Me Time"

Woman Translation: Great!  What did I do wrong that he needs to spend some time alone?  Is he seeing someone else?  Is he sneaking off someplace to hang out with those disgusting friends of his?  Why?  Why does he need alone time?  Am I not enough?  Why?

Man Translation: YES!  Can't wait to sit for over an hour and play my X-Box!  

Phrase: "Surfing the net"

Woman Translation: Catching up on my friends and facebook and reading a few blogs about sewing and what other young couples are doing with their lives and picking up some great ideas.

Man Translation: Check e-mail.  Check sports scores.  Look at porn.  

Phrase:  "a bar"

Woman Translation:  A dirty place with filthy restrooms full of disgusting drunks and loose woman.

Man Translation: A place to drink beer and watch sports

Phrase:  "watching the game"

Woman Translation: So he can drink and fart and be filthy and rude with his friends

Man Translation: Watching a game with a beer in hand.  Friends are optional.

Phrase:  "True Love"

Woman Translation: Finding my soul mate who understands my every wish and thought without me even saying anything.  

Man Translation: An independently wealthy woman who loves sports, beer and lots of hardcore sex.

Phrase: "First Date"

Woman Translation:  A nice dinner with a new man to see if I want him to eventually father our 6 future children and provide me with a huge house and regular trips to Spain and France for romantic get-a-ways every 6 months until he dies at the ripe age of 65 leaving me with a fortune in gold and riches.

Man Translation:  A waste of a lot of money just to see if I want to have sex with this woman.

Phrase: "Sex"

Woman Translation: a nice romantic and gentle frolic in my bedroom with candles and wine and lots of bonding 'pillow talk' for hours afterward.

Man Translation: A quick romp anywhere except the bedroom so I at least have an interesting story to share with my boys.

Phrase: "Making Love"

Woman Translation:  A nice romantic elongated sexual bonding on the tops of clouds between two lovers who were made for each other while soft music plays and the smell of lavender fills the air and he fulfills my every need emotionally in one transcendent climax like I have never felt before.

Man Translation: Oh Great.  I have to perform at least 20 minutes of 'foreplay' before we actually have sex and I can go to sleep. 

Phrase:  "Marriage"

Woman Translation:  Professing our love to the world so that everyone knows we will be together for an eternity never to desire anyone else and to live in harmony with several kids in a large house in the suburbs.

Man Translation:  WHAT!!??!?!?

Phrase: "Children"

Woman Translation:  Beautiful versions of us that will be smart and popular and someday be president of a large company or maybe the world.

Man Translation:  Slobbery, loud, bothersome midgets who will take all my money and cut into my valuable drinking and sex time.

Phrase: "A night in together"

Woman Translation:  A nice cooked meal of chicken and asparagus and some potatoes with my favorite glass of wine before cuddling up on the couch to watch Beaches for the 100th time and crying our eyes out together in a hugely bonding experience.

Man Translation: Pizza and beer and watching Star Wars for the 100th time before hardcore sex in the living room and then sleeping hard.

Yea, this may never end.  Remind me how men and woman get along again?  Just kidding, we love each other, right?  Right?