Length of Shower---Why is it so hard to open some things? --Recently I've noticed a trend that is the opposite of what society seems to tell us. Most men are actually more open and honest than women.
I am a fairly normal guy by societal standards. I like sports, beer, a good action movie and I shed that single tear when Ray Castella get's asked by his dad to play catch in Field of Dreams. I'm also a straight guy and I don't much care for shopping or quilt making. Society has that all pretty straight (no pun intended). But society would also lead you to believe that I am simple in my desires and that I hold back in my emotions with women while they are free and open with theirs. Recently, however, it's becoming more apparent to me that the last sentiment is way off base.
Several years ago I was head over heels in love with this amazing woman. We dated for over a year and then she broke up with me. It was a simple break up for her, but I was left totally confused. As it turns out she was holding back emotionally and that I was "too perfect" in fulfilling her emotional needs. I would too often tell her what she wanted and needed to hear at the right times. What? I took the hit and went on with my life. A couple years later I met another woman who was even more amazing than the last one. We dated for over two years and I even went so far as to buy a ring. Only to find out that she too was holding back emotionally. She was "never really honest" with me about how she felt and that she wasn't sure she "had ever been completely comfortable" with me the entire time we were dating. What!? She too said that I was amazing emotionally and was a "great and sensitive" guy but that she needed to go find herself. Another punch to the gut, but again I got up and went on with my life.
Several months ago I relocated to a new city. I was excited about the prospect of dating here and thought maybe this city's women could "handle" me; but again I was wrong. I soon started dating this wonderfully independent woman I had met on-line. She was free and seemingly open and things were going along well. When the time came to take a tiny step forward in the relationship however, she hit me with "you are the most emotionally intelligent man I've ever met. I'm not ready for you." What? "Emotionally intelligent?" Who knew? And if they knew, who knew that would be a bad thing? Isn't that what society says men have none of...emotional intelligence? Isn't that what women have been complaining about in men for centuries? And now that we have evolved to meet that standard, no woman wants it? Maybe while we men were evolving emotionally women were de-evolving emotionally to meet our once low standards and we missed meeting in the middle. Maybe?
I went in search to see if it was just me. I started prodding my straight male friends to share with me some of the details of the emotional relationships they have, or have had, with women. I spoke with single and married men and what I found was eye-opening. I was not alone! In almost every case a troublesome point of contention was that it was the MEN who were more open and sharing than the women they dated or even married.
I dug further. This past weekend I met with two of my best friends, one a man and one a woman, as well as their significant others to discuss their relationships. In the first relationship as I played "marriage counselor" they went on about various subjects and issues within their relationship. Some were funny, some were serious, but all were issues they were "working through." What the three of us discovered was that among other things, the man had actually been more open, honest and vulnerable in his sharing than she had been. Not only that, but they both agreed that was the case. The woman actually admitted it first and with a hint of pride no less. Interesting.
The following night I met with a friend of mine and her boyfriend of one year. They confessed that in their relationship too it is he who is more open and vulnerable than she is. She admitted it a little more timidly than the previous day's woman, but then spoke freely about it saying, "Yes, I keep him at arm's length a bit but he shares openly without hesitation." Really!?
Because of all this I'm becoming more and more convinced that society has this wrong and that it is more often women who are holding back in relationships, not men. But the real question is why? Could it be, as stated above, that women were emotionally evolving backwards while men were evolving forward and we never met in the middle? Maybe it's always been this way and the societal standard is just a myth? Or perhaps men just have less to hide than woman? Maybe it's because men bounce back from getting hurt easier and women don't?
Whatever the case might be it is clear that societal standards are both right and wrong in this case. Wrong in the point that women are more open and vulnerable emotionally than men, but right in the fact that men and women may never see eye to eye on anything. But we'll be damned if we stop trying, right?
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